Monday, June 25, 2007

It's a Farmer's Life

A farmer plows his field, sows the seed and cultivates the soil—all the while knowing that unless he diligently pursues his responsibilities he cannot expect a harvest at the season’s end. The Bible says, “In all labor there is profit” (Proverbs 14:23). The wisdom of this proverb is readily apparent in the presence of any marriage. Where an intimate unity prevails, hard work will certainly be its accounting. The negative application is equally true, without labor, there is no profit. The athlete spends endless hours preparing for one competition. The pianist spends years preparing to be a professional performer. But when it comes to preparing for the one relationship that will insure a satisfying quality of family life; determine the emotional, educational, and physical well-being of our children; and extend social stability to our future generations, little effort is given to what profits most.

Good marriages do not just happen. They are the product of diligent work over a sustained period of time. The hardworking farmer knew that the quality of his crop would be directly related to his faithful labor; he merely reaped in time what he sowed in the moment. The prescription is a sure one. Fail to prepare for your marriage and your harvest will be meager. Give wise and faithful attention to your marriage and your harvest will be full—in all labor there is profit! But when should that work begin?

It is natural to think that the work of marriage preparation begins at engagement. But by engagement, preparation for marriage must be your ready maturity, not your initial consideration.

When that right man asks you for a lifelong commitment, or when you respond affirmatively to his request, what should each of you be saying?

He should be saying: I am settled in your love. I desire to spend my life with you, working together to become all we can be together. I willfully choose to separate myself from all other women and set my affections completely and only upon you—will you be my wife and follow me.

You should be saying: I trust you. I having confidence in your impartial love, especially toward me—I can entrust my life to you, with confidence and without fear. Such a commitment presupposes proven trust. No, preparation must start before engagement.

Perhaps then, within a serious dating relationship is where preparation for marriage begins. Certainly it should. But let’s think about that. Before a man should consider a serious relationship, or before a woman should respond to a man in such a relationship, there must be some settled maturity in each. Both must be emotionally mature and personally secure. The emotionally immature and personally insecure individual, tends to be overly needy and unhealthily controlling. Such an individual is death to a relationship. On the other hand, the emotionally mature and secure individual, tends to give life to a relationship. No, ideally, even dating demands some prior preparation.

The work of marriage preparation is not so much about a time as it is about a character; a principled character ever growing in the pursuit of love. It is about the pursuit of love, principled in its action, sacrificial in its nature, and giving it its spirit, that preserves a love for a lifetime. And when that love is pursued by commitment and acceptance, affection and compatibility become the satisfying result. This is the great challenge before you. This is ‘the farmer’s’ work.

The following posts will set before you the principles of preparation that will ready you, and set you forward on your journey. And, as strange as it may seem to our modern culture, it all starts with that “S” word—submission; principled submission to the best interest of the other.

Wisdom Workouts:

  • What are your thoughts about ‘marriage preparation’ as a lifelong pursuit of love, rather than a series of lessons that aim for a wedding date?
  • How would you describe your strengths and weaknesses as they relate to your readiness for marriage? Consider such tendencies as being ‘overly needy’ or ‘unintentionally controlling’ – we all have them at times – what can you do to strengthen your weak areas and build on your strong areas?
  • Consider character qualities of love, sacrifice, selflessness, and principled integrity that you admire in another. How do these character qualities result in an attractive person?

Monday, June 18, 2007

The Quest

On occasion I receive a letter like the one before you. When I do, I feel honored. I feel honored that someone would trust me enough to seek my advice on marriage preparation; the most important pursuit of life. Such trust commands my deepest desire to give reasonable and responsible advice.

The posts before you, and the ones to come, are the sum of that advice. By committing my advice to print, I crystallize my thoughts, thus allowing you the opportunity to consider them and make informed decisions for your marriage. I trust you will find much in the following posts that will challenge your thinking and serve your pursuit of love for a lifetime.

Dear Tom,
I am a Piano Performance major. I love my music. One day I hope to perform in a professional capacity. There is a longing in my heart, however, that goes deeper than piano performance. One day, I long to be married and have a family. I know there are no guarantees that I will be either a piano performer or get married. Yet, I hold in my heart the words of David, “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” So, my question is: How can I prepare now for a lifelong marriage then?
It starts with the farmer. “The farmer,” you say?