The Disciplines of a Tidy Mind

It has been a while since I posted a blog—September 17th to be exact. The ‘urgent’ possessed me and pressed me away. Well, I would like to resume my regular posts, but with one modification. My commitment to a weekly post may be a bit more than what this season of my life will allow. So, I will alter that commitment to a monthly post. I will aim for the first day of every month.

I taught the book of Psalms in the 2007 fall semester for the Cleveland extension of Moody Bible Institute—I was personally instructed and pointedly convicted, more than my students I’m sure. I was made aware of the ‘lost ground’ of sensible thinking that slipped away in my life over time. As the proverbial frog who would naturally leap from a pot of boiling water, yet would calmly boil himself to death in the same pot if the temperature were increased a mere degree at a time, so seems to be the way of sensible thinking. That "urgent" is not good when it overtakes balance.

I was struck anew with the immediate and regular discipline of a tidy mind. The Bible teaches us that the mind is the gateway to the soul and the battle ground in the fight for joy. You may want to look at such passages as: 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, Ephesians 4:17-24 and Philippians 4:4-9. The psalmist sings often of this wisdom. The first psalm sets forward a broad pattern of that wisdom, and so many psalms of the entire, one hundred and fifty, sing of its practicality. Hear his wisdom:

How blessed is the man who does not walk

in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers.
The wicked are not so,
But they are like chaff which the wind drives away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
Nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the wicked will perish.

I remember my professor, long ago, in the Theology of the Holy Spirit class, releasing us with a last word. He said, “The only guarantee that you will walk with Christ tomorrow, is if you are walking with Christ today; no amount of knowledge, time in maturity or position of leadership will keep you—keeping is a moment by moment, step by step walk in the Spirit.” I don’t remember much else he taught, but his last word was worth the class. He is right.

So, my theme, “Marriage in the Making,” is the same, but with the wisdom of the Psalms as my material for a while. And Psalm 1 will set the pattern on January 1.

Have a wonderful Christmas season!

Marriage the goal? Love the goal? What?

It's not unusual for a couple to find a bit of hesitancy in their hearts as they approach their wedding day. After all, marriage is just the most important decision a couple will ever make in life! But when that hesitancy becomes overwhelming, it may be wise to step back and consider the readiness of the relationship for marriage.

But that is asking a lot. It takes an unusually mature couple to do that. Most couples would see such a consideration as a step toward relational break-up. So, rather than face the issues, they suppress them and plow through the wedding day. But what often follows is a very rough go at their early years of marriage; a rough go that may have been avoided had they thought bigger than the wedding day.

Courtship is like baking a cake. There is a proper amount of time in which the cake must bake. And, there is a proper time to take the cake out of the oven. If you hurry the process, what do you have? You have a flat cake! But if you go with the process, you get a plump and sweet cake ready for a wedding. Love must be the goal, not marriage. What’s the difference?

Love is a life-long pursuit. Marriage is merely something to collect along the way in that pursuit. When love is the pursuit, a couple is more concerned for the growing health of a relationship over a lifetime. But when marriage is the pursuit, only the wedding day is the concern. Somehow, the couple thinks that that day will secure love for a life-time. It won't.

The wedding date is one event in the life-long pursuit of love. It is a very significant event, but still only one piece of the greater picture. To take the time to let a relationship mature, like a cake in the oven, is a great act of love. In the bigger picture, love will know a greater joy with far less detours and rough roads when the actual wedding date is put in its proper place.

Wisdom Workouts:

There are endless examples to illustrate the dynamic nature of the pursuit of love as the goal in marriage. But what about you? The following chart may serve as a kind of thermometer to test weather love, or marriage, is your goal. It is important to keep in mind that your self-evaluation is not dependent on having one, three, or even five of the following tendencies in either chart. It is about the general picture. Are you dominant in one or the other? It is the big picture that may tell the story.

WHEN MARRIAGE IS THE GOAL

You try to meet up to expectations
You are a fault finder
You put up a front
You manipulate
You tend toward hurrying action
You make marriage plans without wise counsel
You see only your need
You feel unsure in the relationship
You fear of losing the relationship

You are partner-centered only
You withdraw from others
You are jealous and possessive
You need to rush to marry
You feel marriage is a solution
You want what is expedient
You are emotionally driven
You are self-absorbed
You are selfishly sensual
You tend to seek to be alone
You have a shallow romance

WHEN LOVE IS THE GOAL

You feel free to be yourself
You accept faults
You are transparent
You communicate without fear
You are content to prove the relationship in time
You seek wise counsel before making marriage plans
You see the other’s need first
You are secure in the relationship
You have no fear but feel free
You are other-centered with your partner
You engage with others
You feel safe and secure
You have all the time do grow
You take personal responsibility for growth
You want what is best
Your relationship is based on commitment
You consider others
Your emotions are under control
You share your time with others

When marriage is the goal, all that remains is to walk that aisle. Once accomplished, the goal is attained. But when love is the goal, a couple enters into a life-long adventure that is never fully realized. What a joy to think our love will be stronger at eighty than at the wedding day.

What happened to men?

Paul W. Tibbits was the commander and pilot of the Enola Gay, the B-29 aircraft that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima on August 6, 1945. Retiring in 1976 at the rank of brigadier general, Tibbits was slated to become one of the celebrated figures of history.

Years following his retirement, in a biographer’s interview, Tibbits was asked a seemingly odd question: “What did you do with your uniform?” The biographer had in mind to magnify the importance of the man who wore the uniform. Tibbits was simple in his response.

“I turned it in.”
“And what did you get in return?”
“I got a ‘chit’ from the supply sergeant telling me that I turned it in.”
“Do you have any idea what your uniform would be worth today?”

Tibbits was unmoved by the question and took command of the biographer's quest:

My military career was merely one of a man among men. As men, we embraced what was before us with a sense of responsibility. When we left that responsibility, we hung up our uniforms, and went on to embrace the next. It was not common for our men to glory in the past. The past was gone. There would be new responsibilities. We looked forward to becoming husbands, and fathers, and grandfathers. And with each new phase of life we once again would be merely a man among men.

Such a spirit is reminiscent of a day gone by. If there is anything the feminist movement has accomplished, it is the feminization of men. I have noticed a changing trend since the 70s. It once was common to discuss significant issues with husbands and fathers. But as time passed, the men have receded into the shadows of silence while women have emerged to take their place. What happened to the men? You will find them among their hobbies and toys while the women blaze the trail of leadership. I am not suggesting a problem with women but a void among men. Jesus shows something of that void by his example. As he looked to the cross, the hour of responsibility commanded his action. The Gospel of John tells the story:

Now my soul has become troubled; and what shall I say, "Father, save me from this hour?" But for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name (John 12:27-28).

It is a courageous passage. In full awareness of the cross before him, Jesus held his troubled heart in one hand, and his greater purpose in the other. With both before him, his troubled heart gave way to his greater purpose.

Men are wired to take initiative and assume responsibility. When we do we find our worth. And when we don’t, we wither away. Martin Luther was a sixteenth century reformer. But more than that he was a pastor at heart. When asked about how to deal with male depression he gave the good solution: “Go harness the horses and spread manure on the fields” – get up, stop thinking about yourself, do the next thing, work hard, and create something good for someone else. That seems like helpful advice to me. He met men at their nature. The Bible agrees.

Genesis is the Bible book of foundational beginnings. In it we read how God created man and then placed him in a garden to cultivate it, “Then the LORD God took the man and put him into the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it” (Genesis 2:15). Verse 18 follows, “Then the LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.'" Among the many questions this passage may provoke, one seems clear: Before God gave Adam a wife, he gave him a job. Man was made to work and find satisfaction in it. The nature of that work is meaningfully shaped in the spirit of creation, provision, oversight, guidance and care. This is the spirit in which a husband is to love his wife and family. God places the ball of leadership in the court of the man, not the woman.

I recently was listening to a radio talk show. The topic was on the positive images daughters have toward their fathers. The radio host asked women call in and tell their story. One was particularly insightful to me. The woman, now older with a family of her own, spoke how her father was always the tower of strength and stability to the family. She told that her father always appeared to be confidently in control, cheerfully positive and relentlessly reassuring. The woman then went on to say something like this:

It was only in later life that I learned that my father carried heavy burdens. He pounded the pavement for jobs in a time where jobs were hard to come by; we felt like the richest family on the block. He anguished over the thought of not being able to meet the needs of his family; we knew only abundance in our every want. He never showed his tortured heart; to us he was the happiest man on earth. And when his health began to fail, he stood tall on the inside and presented himself as the husband and father who would never fail us. He was so alone but we were never alone.

I have a feeling that the above testimony of the daughter may strike a cord of satisfaction in the soul of many men. I have a feeling that her testimony may even sound a kind of trumpet call to something deep within the soul of a man. Perhaps it may even compel a man to courageously say: that’s the man I must be!

Thinking Again about Unity and Equality

Billy Graham’s wife passed away on June 14th of this year, 2007. Billy is plodding along but with a limp—he is missing his complement.

I get a kick out of the reports of Billy’s response when asked, “How did you become the greatest evangelist in history?” The reports tell how Billy would look his eyes heavenward and say, "It was God who did this." How heavenly is that? I believe it. God did it. After all, God gave him Ruth Bell as his wife.

Ruth Bell Graham was the witty one of the two—the quick one too. On one occasion she was asked if she had ever contemplated divorce—divorce is the big cardinal sin in Christian circles! Ruth responded, “Divorce? No. But murder, often!” Billy will miss his witty and colorful complement. She kept his feet on the ground.

Being the prominent woman that Ruth Bell was, she was often approached from the feminist movement on her position regarding the equality of the sexes—the idea of 'sameness' was a big issue in the 70’s and remains so today. On one occasion, Ruth was quoted to have said: “When two are exactly alike, one is not needed!”

When it comes to marriage, the cry for ‘equality’ is a hollow voice. It claims to offer personal dignity but results in cold contractual independence. It may preserve equity but it won't cultivate intimacy.

The Bible says very little, if anything, about equality. It speaks of something more beautiful than equality. It speaks of unity. Equality seeks just due. Unity complements. When two differing roles join together to serve the other, there is unity.

That was Paul’s point in Ephesians 5:21-31. The union of the man and woman in marriage finds its design in the statement: “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).

I get a kick out of the modern Internet dating service that seeks to match couples on compatibility. I am not apposed to that. But Ruth Bell has a point too. Think about it.

Hi dear.
Hi dear.
What would you like for breakfast?
Eggs.
That’s exactly what I was thinking!
What would you like to do today?
Read.
Why, that’s exactly what I was thinking. Would you like to have some people over for dinner?
No, I don’t feel comfortable in the presence of others.
Neither do I. Let’s just be alone; always isolated and calcified in our sameness, forever and ever.
That sounds so wonderful to me dear!

I like Ruth’s response, “When two people are exactly alike, one of them is not needed!” Appreciating difference is a challenge. Seeing and assimilating difference is energetic growth. Compatibility is important. Difference is too. Learning to let difference press us out of our comfort zone may be uncomfortable but it makes for an exciting adventure.

Wisdom Workouts:

Given the design of complement in marriage, how would you answer the following questions: How do you know this person is the right one for you? Be careful! Are you looking at similarity? Or are you looking at complement?

• What do you find is the growing attraction in your intended mate? Again consider the idea of likeness and complement—there is a BIG difference.

• Do you ever have problems communicating as a couple? If you do, why do you think you do? If you don’t, perhaps you need to consider a different relationship. If you are not sparking in conflict, you are not helpful to each other. Remember, compatibility is something to grow into.

• In what ways do you complement each other? Are you thinking sameness?

• Big question: Can you love, learn and grow by the radical difference that your mate is from you? If you can’t, you should look to someone else. This relationship is not for you!

Happy Are the Givers

There is a way of life that promises satisfaction. It is the way of life expressed in the Bible proverb: “The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered.”

There is a wealth of wisdom in that proverb. It tells of the individual who is given to meeting the needs of others. And as a result, the needs of the individual is met.

Don’t get the wrong picture. You may be tempted to say: Of course others will be inclined to you! If I throw a bag of twenty-dollar bills out of a window, certainly others will run to pick them up, and they will love me for throwing them out; as long as I have another bag! It is not that picture. It is about being genuinely, responsibly and principally given to the best interest of another.

You know what that looks like. Most everyone, at some time in their lives, had a teacher who was passionately committed to his or her best interest. Perhaps you felt a certain teacher’s tireless commitment and genuine confidence toward you. If you did, I would be willing to bet that somewhere in that relationship, you became unconditionally endeared to that teacher. What would you do for that teacher now? This is what I am talking about. But that may not be so easy to embrace.

It may be a hard piece of advice to take. If you are one who finds yourself lonely and void of friends, before you blame others and circumstances, you may want to look in the mirror. The problem may be closer than you think. I don’t mean that to be cruel but freeing. If the problem lies with you, you can do something about it. That's freedom. But if it belongs to your circumstances or other people, then you are a prisoner. You can’t change others. You can change yourself. That too is freedom.

One of the great ironies of the Christian message is that: it is in giving that we receive; it is in dying that we live. Isn't that so crazy to the world we live in? That principle, however, is attractive. The giver is a delight; the taker is work. You know how that goes. The one who is characteristically seeking to be a blessing, is a blessing. And the one who is always looking for a blessing, is a drain.

One of the most rewarding aspects of pastoral ministry is working with couples who are looking on to marriage. I truly enjoy that part of my ministry. Perhaps my reasons are not so altruistic. Marriage counseling often involves working with deep problems—unresolved conflict that has festered over time. These problems are difficult to reverse; not impossible but difficult. I like that part of my ministry too. But to work with couples who are eager to love and are uncomplicated by long-standing conflicts, that is pure joy for a teacher.

There are some questions I ask a couple to show what an attractive life feels like. I ask them to consider specific qualities they would desire in a friend or a mate. I usually hear such responses as: honesty, attentiveness, consistency, being non-judgmental, forgiving, loyal, and the like. I then ask the clinching question: “How many of these character qualities demand a giving person?” The test always delivers the desired answer—all of them. The conclusion naturally follows that attractiveness results from being a giver. So, what can you do to be attractive?

Set your affections toward living for the best interest of others. Certainly that doesn’t mean groveling to the whims and wishes of the world. It means being principally given to the real needs of others.

That way of life demands a lot of skill—it is a professional way of life. It demands the skillfulness of the athlete or the musician. That skill is an exciting pursuit once the way of life is set in motion. In that way of life, the need for growing skillfulness will challenge you every day. It is a way of life that opens doors of opportunity to the counselor, the teacher, the coach, the pastor, the husband, the wife, the father, the mother, and the like. There will be no lack for opportunity. Neither will there be the sense of loneliness or the lack of joy among people. This way of life will carry you effectually through all of life—in your marriage, your family life and in your occupation. And, you will be a very happy camper.

Wisdom Workouts:

• It has been said that, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” What makes for an attractive person that appeals to that eye?
  

The Big Picture of Purpose

My wife’s greater family are dairy farmers in Minnesota. One summer we spent a week with them. I spent a good part of the week working in the fields doing haying. It was satisfying. I also received quite an education on a farmer’s life. I learned that farmers are quite wealthy. The bad news is that their wealth is tied up in capital—land, farm equipment, silos, livestock and the like. A farmer’s actual income is meager. And not only that but farmers are bound to the task at hand—cows need milking twice a day, feed needs distributing, livestock needs tending. That’s life for a farmer. My wife’s uncle Del told me that on his wedding day he milked the cows in the morning, got married in the afternoon, milked the cows after the wedding, and then went to his reception in the evening. He told me that he took a vacation once in his life, and that only after his kids were grown and able to assume the daily responsibilities of the farm. It seemed like an undesirable kind of life to me. But that’s only because I don’t love farming. If I did, the daily tasks would be the joy that served my greater love.

I asked my wife’s uncle Del, “Would you do it again?”
He paused for a moment and said, “If I had it to do over, I would do exactly as I have done.”
That was hard for a city boy like me to understand. I then asked the ultimate question: “Why?”
The response came back quickly, “Farming isn’t just an occupation, it’s a way of life; it’s the life I know and it is the only life I want to know—it’s my life.”

My wife’s uncle was defined by purpose. His sense of purpose made the tasks of daily living his delight. There is a big difference between seeing a job as an end in itself, and loving a job because it serves a greater end. There is also a big difference between seeing marriage as an end in itself, and loving in marriage for a greater end. We call that "greater end" purpose.

Purpose gives life meaning. To have a sense of purpose, and share it with another, gives greater meaning to marriage. A couple needs a sense of purpose in order to sustain marriage for a lifetime. Feelings of love won’t do it. There must be something more. There must be a common purpose; something greater than oneself to live for. When a couple has that sense of purpose, they have a reason to love; a reason for their love.

I like hearing those stories about couples who are inseparably intertwined as one. Then, in the course of time, one passes before the other. But even though inseparably linked, the one left behind doesn’t recoil into a silent death, but continues in the purpose they shared together. It is as though the love of the one lives on in the other. That can only be because there is something bigger than life in our 70, 80 or 90 years of existence.

Following a couple’s request to be joined in marriage, I schedule an appointment with them. I have many questions I feel will help shape their destiny together. One of the first questions I ask is: “Why do you want to get married?” You would not believe some of the answers I have received over the years. “He is so adorable.” “She is the only woman who would put up with me.” “He is the kindest man I ever met.” “I could not live without him.” “She is everything to me.” I have also received more thoughtful answers too like: “We share a common faith.” “He is a responsible provider.” “We complement each other.” As good as these answers are, they still miss the better mark. A better answer is: Because we serve a purpose greater than ourselves and better together than we do apart. But what is that purpose? Is it of noble and true worth? Those are the questions that need to be defined by a couple. But defined they must be. What are yours together with your mate?

Wisdom Workouts:

• Following the thought, “Purpose gives life meaning,” how would you describe your sense of purpose (reason to be), first, as an individual and then as a couple? In other words, what gives your life meaning?

• Evaluate your response to the above question. How will your sense of purpose carry you through the hard places of life and even beyond, in the ‘hopefully not untimely’ departure of your mate?

• How is your sense of purpose shared with your mate? How does this sense of purpose unite you as a couple? Define you as a couple? Keep you as a couple?

• Imagine some of those hard places of life—unfulfilled expectations, unseen illness, financial difficulty, momentary coldness in your relationship, even death—assuming that you are the principal object of these difficulties, what kind of life would you desire for your mate? In other words, thinking from the motive of love, what life would you desire for your mate?

Common Sense Loyalty

Loyal commitment goes before intimacy. That is not a statement from yesterday’s values, but a principle of high regard for the honor and love of your spouse. Intimacy is the most valuable gift an individual has to offer. It is the gift of oneself. And like any gift of value, when it is received with casual indifference or demeaning disregard, the giver is wounded. You won't need to think long to find that true.

This post is an appeal for loyal commitment from a different angle. Rather than an appeal from traditional standards, it is an appeal from the worth of your spouse's love and the good pleasure of marriage. Standards are sweet to the embrace when they are shown to serve the interest of the recipient. My aim is not to burden you with guilt, but appeal to your senses for a marriage that satisfies your deepest longings.

How satisfying do you want your marriage to be? How hard are you willing to fight for that satisfaction? Loyal commitment is a worthy fight. The fabric of that fight is described in the next set of virtues on our list: Add… self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, principled living…” (2 Peter 1:6). These are the virtues for a victorious fight. You will need them.

As I flipped through my radio dial I caught the lyrics to a popular song from the late 1960s. The song went like this, “Wouldn’t be nice if we were older, then we wouldn’t have to wait so long … for we could be married!” I couldn’t help but ponder how the idea of waiting is such a yesterday notion. The Beach Boys were certainly no model of virtue, yet their lyrics did tell of the general mindset in a day gone by. The idea of marriage as the prior commitment to intimacy seems so old. Does it matter? It does. The teenage girl said to her mom, “Oh mom, times have changed.” Her mom replied, “Yes they have; but the consequences have not.”

Loyalty has consequences. So does disloyalty. That should not be a surprising idea, even in this day. I think adultery is still called “cheating” and not alternative moments of recreational choices. Try that one on your spouse! And by the way, what would ‘Hollywood’ do for violent plots if there were no such thing as “cheating” where loyalty is expected. No, the consequences have not changed. Broken families, broken lives, dashed dreams, painful divorce, bitter anger, and even violent crimes are all live and well on the stage of disloyalty.

What do we fight for? An attitude first. The Bible makes a claim to that attitude: “Marriage is to be held in honor among all.” That is found in the New Testament book of Hebrews, chapter thirteen and verse four. The word honor means “to value with a price.” No one will fight for what is not valued. If we lose the sense of the value of marriage, we will lose the fight for loyalty. The very wedding day is all about a declaration of lifelong loyalty. But again, I don’t want to make my appeal on the alter of institutional preservation, as noble as that appeal may be. I want to make my appeal on the premise of your satisfying joy and intimacy in marriage.

Contrary to the misunderstanding of many, the Bible boldly exalts the physical relationship of a man and a woman as something beautiful. The Bible is so passionate about that relationship that it strongly warns against predators who threaten the union of marriage, as the verse before us tells: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”

When the author of the book of Hebrews wrote those words, he was defending marriage against a false asceticism which considered the marriage union as degrading and unclean. Writing in opposition to such a view, the author instructed that marriage is to be kept honorable and its honor is never to be defiled by outside sexual violation. Thus, the nature of the warning, 'fornicators' and 'adulterers' God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). This is a warning for the honor of marriage.

Take special note of those two words: “fornication” and “adultery.” What’s the difference? Fornication dishonors marriage in advance, and adultery dishonors marriage after it has been entered into. Fornication or adultery is the defilement of a relationship that belongs to someone else. It makes sense why marriage is to be held in honor among all. Such a community will help serve and preserve the marriage interest of a couple. What a comfortable place to be knowing that others are looking out for a your best interest.

From a personal perspective, throughout your life there will be many people you will come to respect and love as valued friends. There will be only one, however, who will pledge himself or herself to you as a lifelong companion—for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death you part. That one person you will share your life with—in times of plenty and times of want, in times of joy and times of sorrow. With that one person you will perhaps raise your children, build a home, see your grandchildren and grow old together in love. In biblical words, “You will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). What gift will you give your mate? May I suggest the greatest gift—the gift of you in faithful loyalty! For that one person, and that person alone, it is a gift that can be shared again and again until death do you part. So, the words are wise, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”

Wisdom Workouts:

• Ask your mate: How important do you believe faithfulness is to our marriage?
• Tell your mate: How would I feel if unfaithfulness came into our marriage?
• Discuss with your mate: What can we do to preserve and protect our loyalty?

Security Matters

I had a helpful conversation with a young woman who is looking forward to her wedding very soon. Our conversation centered on matters of personal security; that settled sense of well-being that frees one to love another. Some may not be able to fully relate to the matter of security unless they have known the pain of insecurity. Those who have, know how dark the world can be from being so introspective. It is a kind of self-preoccupation, not the kind that finds boastful pleasure in oneself, but rather the kind that feels the constant sense of inadequacy and unworthiness. It is self-preoccupation just the same. And that amounts to a very lonely world.

Security is important for without it a relationship will be painfully strained for both. Once an individual tastes the delight of being an outward giver, and determines to become one, he or she is immediately confronted by an enemy; that haunting sense selfishness that shackles a person in painful introspection. Oh to be dead to ourselves and alive to others—what freedom is that!

Selfish preoccupation is something endemic to humanity. We all have it—some more, and some less. Most find the condition to be debilitating to finding joy in others. It is not hard to understand why. Where someone is well balanced—not self-centered but self-respecting, not easily provoked but sensibly reflective, not overly introspective but overtly considerate—that person tends to be at peace with his or her world and happy in it. That is a secure person. And to the degree one has that sense of security, is to the degree that one will be empowered to joyfully engage in the lives of others. Likewise, where that sense of security is lacking, is to the degree that one will experience a diminished joy in others and withdrawal unto loneliness.

Security is a tricky thing. It can’t be had for the mere wanting. You can’t buy it at the mall or get it in a classroom. Security is a forged fabric of character. Some may have it because they have grown up under the wings of principled people and relational stability. Others may not have it because life has met them with unprincipled people and relational instability. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that people are ‘victims’ of fateful circumstances beyond their control. Circumstances are powerful but they merely shape our propensity toward unhelpful ways of thinking and unhelpful ways of living. Those ways of thinking and ways of living are where the battle is won or lost.

The difference is important. We live in a “victim” oriented society. That is a fatalistic world with no way out. That’s because circumstances did it. That kind of thinking makes angry people. When one realizes that it is not ultimately the circumstances that is the problem, but the resultant thinking and living, that puts power back into the hands of the person to see his or her way clear to a new day. Let me digress for a moment on that matter of circumstances. I don’t want to be misunderstood and appear to be indifferent to the heavy things some people carry.

Circumstances are a powerful force, often even an irresistible force in the moment—like the impositions of an unprincipled adult upon a vulnerable child. We could all come up with a list of such imposing circumstances. Many of you carry your own list. But no matter how forceful those circumstances may have been, what happened next is what shaped your character for bad or for good. That happened in your thoughts and choices. To personally own those thoughts and choices is your freedom, no matter how powerfully imposing or horrifically unjust the circumstances surrounding those thoughts and choices may have been. But to give your thoughts and choices away to those circumstances will enslave you to a life of perpetual “recovery” with no recovery in sight. But if bad thoughts and bad choices resulted in unhealthy character, than good thoughts and good choices will result in a renewed and recovered character.

Ownership and responsibility is your first step toward freedom. A good counselor will help a person claim their rights over the thoughts and choices that led him or her down a destructive path; and then enable that person to think differently and live sensibly unto their true freedom.

Secure lives result from at least four patterns: thinking well, associating wisely, loving widely, and resisting willfully. Or, to say it personally, you will enjoy greater security when you order your world around: right thinking, principled friendships, deliberate love, and the courageous refusal to enslave yourself to any master that stands opposed to your moral virtue and ethical values. This leads me to the point of this post and the first part of Peter’s call that I introduced last Monday, and said we would highlight this Monday. That first part reads, “…in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge.” Peter is calling for that “right thinking” based upon right values; values that are here described by the terms: “moral excellence” and “knowledge.” Security begins here.

Of course, it would be impossible to develop all that “moral excellence” and “knowledge” would include. But that is not my intent here. My intent here is merely to say that if love for a lifetime is at all a possible, it is only possible in the presence of two secure individuals who are given to shared values; those values of “truth” that were spoken about in the July 29th post. I would like to leave you with a challenge to consider the four ways of a secure individual above, especially the matter of “moral excellence” and “knowledge.” Set personal goals to strengthen those ways unto a growing security of person.

Wisdom Workouts:

Here are five secure questions to grow by:

• What is the discipline of my worship?
  What does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8)?

• What is the discipline of my values?
  "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the LORD (Jeremiah 9:23-24).

• Where is the discipline of my mind?
  Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things (Philippians 4:8)
  

• What is the discipline of my heart?
  Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others (Philippians 2:3-4).
  

• What is the discipline of my relationships?
  A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).

How Shall We Live

Now, before I begin this post I will do something I have always been told I must never do—apologize for a presentation I made, or apologize for a presentation I am about to make. I am going to do the later, but only because I want to acknowledge that this post may be a little more “cerebral” than others. The reason for that is not because of its superior intellectual quality, but because of my inability to fully satisfy my appeal. That would require many conversations beyond this post; of which I am always delighted for among friends. So, if one, or two, or several of you are up for that, you must let me know and we will have a wonderful time closing down a coffee shop (Starbucks), or a pizza restaurant (your choice). I would have been a wonderful Frenchman--a pot of fondue, a good bottle of wine, and a conversation until the wee hours of the morning. That's living! In the vacuum of that, this post is about a challenge to think; to think about the importance of truth for growing healthy relationships. Specifically, biblical truth from which this writer writes.

Thinking about truth is not a virtue of the 21st century; feeling is. That is the hard part in all our thinking. We "amused ourselves to death" as Niel Postman wrote. If that is as true for you as it is for me, then I ask you to do three things: cut me some slack, don't be quick to dismiss me, and think for yourself. But above all, think! Thinking is what I want you to do. Thinking with me is what I want to do with you. And thinking like me is only appreciated if you are being true to yourself. We must prize and protect freedom of thought and conscience. The Bible does not compel conformity but calls for consideration; come and see. Does that make sense? With that, I proceed...

In a spirit of cynicism, the first century Roman Procurator Pontius Pilate terminated his interrogation of Jesus with a passing question: “What is truth?” Pilate was belligerently apathetic. Is there such a thing upon which two can agree? Does it matter? If there is no truth upon which two can agree, then there can be no wisdom for wisdom proceeds from the common embrace of truth.

Johnny, don’t smoke cigarettes.
Why not?
Smoking causes lung cancer.
Who says so?
The Surgeon General said so. You can see his warning on every pack of cigarettes and read the studies upon which his warning is given.
That makes sense to me. Okay, I won’t smoke.
Wise choice!

The same is true for relational matters.

Adultery is wrong!
Why is that?
Because it defrauds another’s love by disloyalty; and fraudulent disloyalty breaks down trust; and trust is the basis of all satisfying and secure relationships. You will live a very miserable life if you can’t be trustworthy.
Who says so?
The Bible does. The Bible teaches that time-tested loyalty shows a person trustworthy. And trustworthiness, when accompanied with justice, mercy and love, is both attractive and satisfying.
Is that true for everyone?
Studies have shown the affect of trust in social relationships. Where trust is true, happy and secure relationships generally follow. And, where trust is defrauded or disregarded, unhappy relationships follow.
That makes sense. I will consider the Bible and its effect on social relationships.
Wise choice!

I just did a wedding for a couple last Saturday evening. When I do a wedding, I try to make it personal. In the brief time I had with the couple they revealed a lot about how they think. I was encouraged. At the ceremony, I mentioned that there is every reason to be encouraged about their ability to stand the test of time together. I did not say that tritely, but thoughtfully. I told them why. I told them that in the course of our discussions two things were clear. First, that they both understood the difference between commitment and compatibility. They expressed, without the slightest hesitation, their willingness to be committed to each other and expect compatibility to follow in time. Commitment keeps us steady to our course. Compatibility happens in the forging of two into one over a lifetime of ups and downs, good times and bad times. Second, they also revealed that they had some sense of common values upon which they could be committed. Without shared values, commitment is nothing more than a romantic notion and an empty hope.

What I did not tell them was that they are not out of the woods yet—perhaps they will read this post and will hear it now. In order to realize their promise to love one another for a lifetime, they will need to cultivate an ever growing sense of common values. But from where will true values come? I can’t answer that question for them or you. I am personally settled that the Bible holds the satisfying answers. I believe the Bible meets all people at the point of rational sensibility and relational satisfaction. In other words, the Bible appeals to the mind, emotions and will of mankind, promising delight in its keeping. But that’s my conviction. There is only one practical question that can justify my conviction for you—does it? That is a question that only you can answer. So, whether you believe the Bible as I do, or not, it is a matter within your freedom to consider Pilate's question: "What is truth?" Here is something specific to consider.

In the New Testament, we have two letters that are ‘penned’ by Peter. We call them, “First Peter” and “Second Peter”—clever titles, aren’t they? In Peter’s second letter he writes in the first chapter, “His divine power has granted to us everything we need for life and the living of life through the true knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.” That is merely a statement of provision. It tells the reader that “life” and “the practice of life” is provided in full. It also tells the reader where that life it is found, “…through the knowledge of God.” What's that? Practically, it is that knowledge is the Bible. You may sometimes hear the Bible called, “The Word of God.” That too is just another way of saying “the knowledge of God.” But what is it about that knowledge that appeals, in a satisfying way, to sensible reason and satisfying relationship?

Within the vast “knowledge of God,” the Bible says practical things like, “husbands love your wives…” and, “Wives, respect your husbands...” Upon understanding, those statements prove to be rationally and relationally satisfying. The Bible also calls for common attitudes like, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all.” That too is a satisfying way of thinking from the history of strong societies. The Bible says wise things like, “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up strife.” It doesn’t take long to see the wisdom in that proverb. The Bible speaks of good principles for healthy relationships like: loyalty in marriage, love for neighbors, gentleness when treated unjustly, and the need to understand before being understood. The Bible teaches relational skills like how to forgive, how to do justice, and how to walk humbly. The list is far greater than any one post can manage, actually any one library can manage. My point is merely a challenge to come and see, and embrace and live. Or, as the Old Testament psalmist wrote, “Taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8). Taste and see that the sum of what the Bible teaches is “life.” Taste how robust, full of laughter, formative in character, and sustaining in tribulation this “knowledge of God” is.

Did you see the musical, Fiddler on the Roof? What a charming musical! At one point Tevye sings a song; a toast to life! Can you hear the lyrics, “Drink L’Chaim, to Life, to Life, L’Chaim, L’Chaim, L’Chaim, to Life.” It is toast to the reality of a good life. Even though the moment does not yield the experience of a good life, nevertheless, life is there to be had. Like the farmer who has been granted a farm, rich in soil, with seed ready to plant, having all that is needed to work a crop to its greatest potential, so has life been granted by God. But how is that life lived in its fruitfulness? That leads us to the way of this practical pursuit; the work that embraces this good life.

In writing of that practical pursuit, Peter will use the term, “faith” to talk about the way this life is accessed. You will see it in the text below. This “faith” merely carries the idea of trust, confidence and active belief. We walk by faith; a faith that actively walks in “the knowledge of God”—those good character qualities mentioned above like loyalty, justice, mercy, humility and the like. You may have done that in a small way. For example, the Bible says things like, “Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with on another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things, put on love which is the perfect bond of unity.” This is part of what is called “the knowledge of God.” If you were to consider that list, embracing any one or several of those virtues listed, commit to practicing them as a way of life , in a simple sense you would be walking in that faith. Now, that faith needs something to survive. That faith needs to be fortified or furnished with some strong character qualities. So Peter tells us:

Now...in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted (2 Peter 1:5-9).

These fortified and furnished character qualities are what we will work with for the next few weeks. For now, notice a few general observations. First, these good virtues before you are seven in number. And, thave more to do with skillful disciplines than they do with specific character traits. For example, if I were to tell a baseball player to be honest before the umpire, that would be a specific character trait. But, if I were to tell that same baseball player to be understanding, competitive and fair, that would relate more to his or her discipline or dispositon that will enable the player to triumph as an excellent athlete. Peter has already spoken about the vast game of life. Now, he tells you to master the skills that will enable you to run excellently in the course of that life.

I will work with this passage in the weeks to come. For now, look carefully at the list of skillful disciplines that Peter calls one to add to his or her faith. If you look at each thoughtfully, perhaps you will see that they could be classified into three categories. The three complete the athlete in the pursuit of life. Here they are: The first category has two virtues associated with it—moral excellence and knowledge. These two include all that is involved in your standard of measure, your principles to live by, or the rules of the game by which you play. The second category has three virtues associated with it —self-control, perseverance and godliness. These relate to your inner disciplines, your strength of heart or your ability to internally fight for the win. The final category are two again—brotherly kindness and love. These two relate to your outward living, your work of life toward others, or the outward acts associated with playing of the game of life. Do you see their completeness? You are called to have an objective standard to live by; to have inner strength in order to fight for what is worthy to fight for, and be given to a form of life that makes a difference. This is the discipline that wins. It is the discipline that will enable a newly married couple to stand the test of time and win a love for a lifetime.

Wisdom Workouts:

Discuss with someone several matters of life:

• What do you think about how friendships should or should not be pursued outside of marriage? What do you think about the idea of role relationships of a man and woman in marriage; of children to parents; of a couple among society? What do you think are right ways and harmful ways to raise children?

Discuss these matters with the following questions in the background:

• From what common values am I expressing my thoughts and opinions? Are my thoughts and opinions a matter of preference, or conviction? How hard am I willing to fight for my thoughts? Does the person before me share my thoughts?
• If the person before you is your husband or wife, or person you are engaged to, what commitments will you make together toward a unified sense of purpose in these things—growing in understanding of them and commitment to live by them?

Irresistible Attractivenss

My boys chide me for the movies I like. They like it when I boast in Rambo and glory in The Gladiator. But they cringe when I quote a line from The Dead Poets Society, or worse, when I choke-up while watching Somewhere in Time. Anne of Green Gables is my favorite—sorry boys! At the end of Anne’s journey into adulthood, she comes to an insight of huge significance. In romantic repose, Anne waxes eloquently telling her suitor Gilbert, “I went searching for my ideals outside of myself; what I learned was that it is not what life holds for you that matters, but what you bring to it.” That is a profound piece of wisdom.

Relational satisfaction, personal security and unfading attractiveness, ultimately proceed from the person you are, not from the possibilities that await you. Thus, good days and even long life has much to do with the person you are in the life that you live. "Who is the man who desires life and loves length of days that he may see good" asked the psalmist? "...Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it," wrote Peter finishing the quote. It is up to you. The freedom of joy is within your grasp.

If you are finding some spark of freedom in Anne’s insight, then you will be empowered by the challenge of this post. Here is that challenge: Set your affections on being the right person, not finding the right person.

The challenge calls you to change your mind about the way you pursue meaningful relationships. Rather than looking for greener pastures, hoping for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or living in quiet desperation for that one relationship that you think will make you happy, the challenge before you calls you to action; strive toward a more noble purpose. Strive to become an ever increasing person of influence, a picture of self-respect, a pattern of steadfast stability, and present to the world an attractive and unavoidable image of life That you do by being the right person.

I don’t believe I am telling you anything that you don't already know. You know the power in this pursuit. If I am wrong, you must tell me how. But consider this first... Consider your circle of acquaintances. Among them, who would you consider to be a genuine friend? What is it about that person that secures your satisfaction in their friendship? It would be helpful to crystallize your thoughts in at least three descriptive words. Now, consider the mate you would delight in spending the rest of your life with. Come-on, let that romantic side flow for a moment. In a similar kind of question, what qualities about that person would secure your love? Don’t be academic. And definitely don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.

What did you come up with? I have heard such words and phrases as: honesty, availability, trustworthiness, consistent, non-judgmental, and able to forgive. I have also heard words and phrases like: supportive, standing with me in my weaknesses and unfailing in loyalty, especially when I am unlovable. But consider your own list. How many of your words suppose, even demand, a principled person? That is, one strong in conviction, selflessly considerate, secure in character and socially attractive. I am going to put myself on the line and be willing to guess that the answer is, most, if not all. And if my suspicion is right, then your sense of attractiveness has more to do with who a person is, and not what has been fated to that person. Have you ever really been drawn to a person because of the privileged life they live? I could be wrong. You tell me.

The kind of attractiveness that is bound up in character is what has drawn many in admiration to historic characters of the Bible. It was this attractiveness that accompanied Ruth’s loyal commitment to her desolate mother-in-law, recounted in the first chapter of the book of Ruth. It was this attractiveness that magnified Joseph’s love toward his brothers, unabated by their ingratitude, told in the fiftieth chapter of the book of Genesis. And, it was this attractiveness that showed in the united hearts of Jonathan and David, described in the eighteenth chapter of the book of First Samuel. All these were attractive because of their character, not there possessions or position.

There is an interesting proverb in the Old Testament that reads, “He who loves integrity of heart and whose speech is gracious, the king is his friend” (Proverbs 22:11). This integrity is no external varnish, nor is it the aspiration of the dreamer; it is sincerity, humility, turning from wrong and the courageous pursuit of justice for all. This manner of life is of greater power and influence than all the clever methods of mankind. Integrity of heart sheds such dignity over the whole character, and pours such grace upon the lips that others are drawn in admiration. The influence of this integrity puts the lack of it to shame. And what awaits that person? A sought-after life from those who understand its wisdom! Thus, it will not be the fool who seeks out such a person, but the king as the proverb tells.

Our post this week is introductory. It is also meant to be persuasive. It is meant to introduce and persuade you to affections that relate to being the right person, not finding the right person—in essence, to become a treasure and abandon treasure hunting.

That specific manner of character, however, has not yet been presented. Only that character is the pursuit. That specific manner is next. I will set before you five essential character qualities. These I mentioned in my July 16th post. I will say them again. They are: principled integrity, self-respect, courageous endurance, outward generosity, and selective accountability. I will argue for them, one by one, in my ‘Monday’ posts through the month of August.

Wisdom Workouts:

• Consider the individuals you admire most—historical or personal—what is it about those people that have secured your admiration?
• Be a good sociologist. Reflect upon the people you would consider most fulfilled, stable, secure and attractive. How would you account for their disposition in this regard? Assuming that you may be intimately acquainted with one or two of these individuals, has suffering, loss, hardship, and even tragedy, affected their disposition? Or, has such circumstances, like a black velvet backdrop against the luster of a fine diamond, only brought out more of the beauty of the person?

Destructive Forces that Kill

The thought occurred to me that there are two kinds of players in a relationship. Either one is a life-giver or a life-taker. In a previous post I used the terms “symbiotic” and “parasitic” to picture those two players. That was the July 2nd post in which the way of the life-giver was developed. In this post, the destructive way of the life-taker is considered.

The effect of a parasite is common knowledge. A parasite selfishly feeds on its host and gives nothing in return. Some parasites have such an insatiable appetite that they suck life until only a dead carcass remains. Kind of a morbid thought, isn’t it?

Relational parasites are common. Most are not fatally dangerous. They merely nag at a relationship, robbing it of its dynamic vitality for a season. They come in many selfish forms—little manipulations that move things my way; being overtly sullen when things don’t go my way; being overbearing so it all goes my way; being passive in the exercise of my responsibilities for fear of failing in my way; or taking responsibilities that belong to another for fear of losing my way. The list is huge. We all mimic this kind of drain, from time to time, in the course of the pursuit of love. The positive side is that we are willing to face ourselves and grow out of those nagging expressions of selfishness. That is a mark of maturity. Those who are willing to listen to others, face themselves, and grow from his or her weaknesses, are relationally competent.

But then there are the terminal parasites. They are not relationally competent. They insidiously hide under the guise of love, subversively confusing their host, all the while working decay unto death. They are stealthy deceivers, even to themselves. Who are they? They are the overly needy and obsessive controllers.

Have you ever tried to ‘make work’ a relationship with a controlling person? Have you ever tried to love someone consumed with his or her own need? If you have, then you know how oppressive such a relationship can be. If you have not, then you only need to pick up a news paper and read about the latest case of domestic violence or turn on the television and watch an episode of “CSI” or “Law and Order” to see the effect of such a relationship in its worse case scenario.

For several years my wife and I had a ministry to college students. Relational matters are the most common issues. A familiar scenario often went something like this:

I’m having trouble with a relationship?
What kind of trouble?
It’s my boyfriend…He tells me that he needs me and can’t live without me. I want to be there for him but I can’t seem to please him, no matter what I do. He gets really upset if I am not available to him. Sometimes he gets so mad that he hits me.
Why do you stay with him?
He says he cares for me. I know I am the problem.
You are the problem? Why is that?
I provoke him to anger. I don’t give him the attention he needs. And it's my friends. He says they are a bad influence on me. He gets upset if I don’t dress the way he likes. He calls me constantly. He tells me that he does these things because he cares for me.
“He cares for you,” you say? I don’t think so. He cares for himself. He is not capable of caring for anyone. He is self-absorbed.
What should I do? I am afraid to leave him. He once told me that he would commit suicide if I left him.

The dialogue is a bit embellished, but not unusual. This is where my advice becomes direct. I call it my “dump” policy. It goes like this. If you are in a relationship with a needy person, get out. If you are in a relationship with a controlling person, get out. Don’t try to fix the person, just get out. And then stay away. Better yet, don’t get involved in the first place. Now, so you don’t think I am totally insensitive, let me explain.

When need or control consumes an individual, that individual can’t love for love looks out for the interest of the other. Such an individual can only see his or her own desires. Others become the means to meeting those desires. You may have experienced one of these individuals. Both are takers and both are consumed with their own self-gratification. At the root of their interest is a morbid insecurity and an insatiable appetite for self-gratification. The most loving thing one can do is let the relationship go. I am assuming that the relationship is not a marriage for that would require a different response than the one I am giving. But prior to marriage, letting the other go is the right move. Why? Because his or her need can’t be met in you; not in the way that person is thinking about you. You are not a solution. That leads me to a principle of great importance. It is the singular point of this post. I will state it and then explain it.

The principle is simply stated: Others are not the solution to my problem. There is a solution, but it is not others in this distorted way—only if I were married, that would solve my problem; only if we had children, that would solve my problem, only if, only if, only if… No, something else is your solution. But that something else begins with the awareness that we will choke the life out of a relationship if we impose upon another the responsibility of being the solution to our problem. I will expand on the principle.

Notice in stating the principle that I changed pronouns from the ‘third person’ to the ‘first person’. Rather than thinking, first, about ‘those’ needy and controlling people, we first need to embrace the principle personally. Thus the principle is stated: Others are not the solution to my problem. It is a principle we all need to live by. To personally embrace this principle will grant freedom in two ways. First, it will mentally release you from the bondage of dependency upon another. Second, it releases the other from the bondage of having to measure up to your expectations. Two scenarios may help you relate to the principle.

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who looks to you as the solution to their problem; the other believing that marriage will solve all their insecurities and bring the happiness they have longed for. When you meet their need, the other is happy, but when you don’t, the other falls into a state of depressed disappointment. How would that relationship make you feel? Pressured? You might not measure up. Controlled? You might slip up. And add to that, periods of pouting, silent withdrawal, outbursts of anger, manipulative behavior, and the like. What would be the atmosphere surrounding that relationship?

Or, imagine being in a relationship with a person who lives with possessive insecurity and clingy neediness. The person smothers you, clings to you and lives in constant need of your affirmation. He or she dotes on you and grovels to your every whim. At first all the attention seems flattering. But what happens to such a relationship in time? A sense of disrespect and desire for escape will overcome you. And the very thing the other is striving to keep, is chased away because of their morbid insecurity and lack of self-respect.

There is a natural tendency of human nature. I remember it being described in the practical statement: “We crave what we can’t have; and disrespect what we can’t get out of.” You know how that works in the dating scene. Girls play hard to get and guys show indifference. Why? Because they know this natural tendency in humanity.

In a more mature response to this tendency, principled integrity, self-respect, courageous action, extravagant generosity, and selective accountability work to create and keep an attractive person. These qualities need to be guarded and cultivated in all relationships, through all of life. These will be developed in subsequent posts.

For now, first things first, consider and embrace that: Others are not the solution to my problem. Free others by giving them room to fail and grow, without fear of reprisal. Free yourself from the bondage of dependency on another for your happiness. That place is found in you, through those virtues mentioned above and to be developed in the posts to come; virtues of principled integrity, self-respect, courageous action, extravagant generosity, and selective accountability. These are inner disciplines that, by God’s design, give a sense of well-being and make for a truly attractive person.

Wisdom workouts:

• Considering the principle: Others are not the solution to my problem, can you think of one way you have been given to the negative side of the statement? How did it affect the relationship? Consider the same questions from the positive side of the statement.
  
• Considering the natural tendency that, “we crave what we can’t have; and disrespect what we can’t get out of,” can you think of at least two ways—one positive and one negative—on how that statement has evidenced itself in your past relationships?

The Pursuit of Love

Last Monday’s post was about the act of love toward another. This week, our post is about the loving environment that receives another. Environment has to do with setting. When a farmer plants his seed, he does so within a setting. Soil is a huge part of that setting. Where the soil is favorable, seed tends to yield to its greater potential. And where soil is unfavorable, seed tends to yield something less. The post before you is about the favorable setting from which the act of love yields its greater potential. I will say it personally.

A favorable setting is about your attitude toward your spouse, not when love is overflowing and bubbling over, but when it is unseasonably dry and unfelt. It is about your commitment to grant your spouse your assured presence and your continued faithfulness within a world that offers neither. And, it is about granting your spouse the freedom to fail, the latitude to disappoint you, and even the forbearance to say hurtful and mean words without fear of reprisal or rejection. This is the environment that receives another. I will say it in a principle?

We pursue love by acceptance and commitment. This is the principle. The words “acceptance” and “commitment” are carefully selected. Now, don’t stumble over those words by letting your mind travel to extreme cases of abuse. Those do exist, but not for you. That is a subject for another audience and another post. In this post, I am supposing healthy couples; couples who are looking on to marriage with proven maturity and positive delight. I trust that abuse will never come to your door. It won't if you pursue love by acceptance and commitment.

Following last week’s post, I received a thoughtful response in the form of several questions. The questions went something like this: “Isn't such an act of selfless love a bit idealistic? Can anyone of us consistently measure up to such a high standard?”

The act of love is an ideal. The ideal is not intended to be the perfection of our lives, but the direction. Don't get me wrong. To say that it is the "direction" of our lives, does not mean that there is no approximation. It is just to say that the high ideal is something we are growing into with maturity. But to love with indifference to our desires? That is not natural. Nor should it be. The act of love does not deny personal desires, but sacrificially embraces another's over them.

We are a people with real needs that long to be fulfilled. We hold in our hearts the God-given desire to be loved and accepted for who we are, not what we do. These desires left unattended result in mounting pressure, and often unhealthy behavioral consequences. I am not evaluating the right or wrong of those behaviors, just recognizing that they do exist in all of us to a greater or lesser degree. We are all a work in progress. We bring baggage into our relationships. The author, Elisabeth Elliot, in her practical down-to-earth way of saying things told couples looking on to marriage, “You must be realistic; when you marry, you marry a sinner!” Give one another room to grow.

The beauty of marriage is that it purposes, not to leave each other in his or her misery but meet two “sinners” in an environment of acceptance and commitment. It is in this environmental setting where love kicks in and reaches forward to its greater potential. Love meets one another at their need; both in terms of desired longings and awkward leanings. What does acceptance and commitment do? There are endless answers to that question but I have two thoughts in mind to illustrate the power of the pursuit of love by acceptance and commitment.

It enables compatibility

There is a huge misunderstanding among single men and women looking for a mate. The word on the street is that ‘compatibility’ is the key that makes for a lasting relationship. The Internet dating services are built on compatibility profiles. There is a place for considering initial compatibility. But true compatibility is something you have at 90, not 29. Compatibility is a growing process that ought to continue through the wedding date, and on into the winter of life. By the time two are hilariously racing wheelchairs together at the age of 103, is the time compatibility will be known. Compatibility happens in the lifelong pursuit of love through all the highs and lows of life. The good environment that gives way to growing compatibility is acceptance and commitment. The alternative is rejection and condition. In that there is no forging of love, but rather the never ending relational game of leapfrog that moves from one shallow relationship to another, leaving only emotional disruption in its path.

It is also a common response of well intentioned men and women to say something like, “I am going to wait till I am financially established and comfortably settled before I get married. That’s silly! There certainly is a measure of maturity and responsibility that should be achieved before you marry. But don’t you want to go through the rough roads, as well as the smooth roads, with your spouse? There is a great proverb in the Old Testament that says, “Two are better than one for they have good returns for their labor. For if either of them falls the other will lift up his companion. But wow to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone. And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strains is not easily torn apart” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Oneness happens in the trenches of life. It is in the good times and hard times that two lives are forged together. Older married couples will tell you that their most forging years happened when they walked together through the hard places of life. And they will say that it was there that acceptance and commitment demanded their attention far more than in the good times of life. Acceptance and commitment is the setting where love grows into an inseparable fabric through all the varied seasons of life.

It cultivates affection

In the wedding ceremonies I have conducted, the vows that express this willful commitment and unfailing acceptance. The wedding vows, repeated by both the bride and groom, go something like this:

Mark, do you take Sarah to be your loving wife, promise before God and these witnesses to love, honor, protect her, and provide for her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs? This promise cannot be dependent upon your feelings but upon your will, therefore, do you commit yourself to Sarah now and for each moment of every day?

Feelings are not good guides, they are trailers. Good feelings follow principled commitments. Our mind keeps us steady to our course. When acceptance and commitment are woven into the fabric of our marriages, time will secure a greater affection. And, in the same sense, when that loyal commitment and assured acceptance is defrauded, maligned or violated, emotions diminish. That is why immoral conduct is so destructive. Such behavior shows a divided loyalty and indicates a demeaned sense worth toward another. And when that immoral conduct takes place in the secrecy of the mind or actions, affections diminish and your spouse is defrauded. Trust is a very fragile thing. It takes a lifetime to build and a moment to lose. But when acceptance and commitment become the proven integrity of a marriage, love flourishes in growing affection.

To unconditionally accept someone else, in all their strengths and weaknesses is a powerful and attractive expression of love. Consider yourself on the receiving end of such love. Have you ever been? How would such love make you feel? I would think that such love would build in you a greater sense of security; perhaps even dispel many latent fears. I would also think that such love would produce an internal desire to return love in the same measure.

The writer of Proverbs wrote of that love saying, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). This beautiful picture is only found where character has melted away natural selfishness into sacrificial love. It takes such a character to loves at “all times,” and be consistent in all circumstances of life. This friend does not change when circumstance change but, in the highest expression of love, remains the same in good times and bad, in times of prosperity and poverty, in times of sickness and health. That’s a powerful force of influence.

Wisdom Workouts

• As simple as it may seem, memorize the maxim: We pursue love by acceptance and commitment.
  
• Can you identify one or two individuals in whom you have assurance of their love toward you, as well as their full acceptance and unabated commitment? How do those individuals affect your sense of security and confidence? How do you feel toward those individuals in affection? And, in what ways have they influenced you to take on qualities that are characteristic of their lives?
  
• Have you ever had someone take advantage of your friendship; perhaps one that turned on you or betrayed your trust? How does the memory of that relationship affect your confidence toward entering new relationships? What kinds of things would secure your trust? Is there any relationship to acceptance and commitment in them?
  
• Test the principle. Consider a relationship that is important to you—perhaps even one that may be relationally awkward or hard to get along with—and pledge yourself to be principally committed, and influentially accepting. Consider after a significant time the changes that have occurred both in that person and yourself.

The Act of Love

When you enter into marriage, you enter into a noble expression of humanity, no longer living life merely for yourself, but now for another; no longer merely looking to have meaning, but now to give meaning; no longer in pursuit of individual happiness alone, but now living for the happiness of another. To live for someone else is more noble than to live for yourself. But how does that happen? It happens when the the one, willfully purposes to live for the other. Or, as John Ensor said better, “…when he seeks his happiness in hers, and she seeks her happiness in his.” It is a submissive way of life.

Submission is a hard concept to teach. It is hard for two reasons. First, because we are not use to thinking that our personal happiness is somehow found by giving happiness to another. It is odd for us to think that by giving we gain; that by dying we live; or, as the writer of Proverbs practically observed, “The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered” (Proverbs 11:25).

It is hard for a second reason. It is hard because contemporary culture has taught us that submission is something ugly; that the very idea smacks against personal freedom and shackles individual personality. Unprincipled and self-centered people will always distort what is honorable and make it something disgraceful. But the real enemy should be identified. Submission is not the culprit but unprincipled self-centeredness.

Submission, properly understood, is the glad surrender of principled love. It retains its noble image when it is: initiated from individual freedom, guided by common values, considerate of another’s good, and offered from a heart of sacrificial love. Submission, according to this expression is a life-giver. Nature is a good teacher of that.

Some years ago, our family took a vacation at one of the Ohio State Parks. It was the perfect place for a young family. One afternoon we took advantage of a nature walk offered by the park naturalist. While on our walk, the naturalist pointed to a hollowed out log. Within the log were two genetically dissimilar plants, yet each coexisting for the life of the other. Drawing from the natural elements of the log, each plant processed food within itself, making it suitable for the nutritional need of the other. The food that each processed, was not sufficient to sustain its own life, but only the other. The naturalist called the relationship, “symbiotic.”

Symbiosis is the function of two dissimilar organisms coexisting for a mutual benefit. The presence of these two plants together became such a life-giving force that they threatened the entire ecosystem by their rapid proliferation—the naturalists needed to use pesticides to keep the plants from pressing the neighboring plant life into extinction.

Symbiosis differs from another kind of relationship. That relationship is called, parasitic. Unlike being a life-giver, the parasite takes life and gives nothing back. This relationship is self-seeking and leaves only death in its path. The oneness of marriage is beautifully illustrated in symbiosis.

When two individuals submit to one another, the fruit of that relationship is harmony, cooperation, and unity. But when one looks to the other, merely to have his or her own needs met, the fruit of that relationship is disharmony, conflict and fracture. The writer of Proverbs wrote, “There is a way that seems right unto man, but its end is the way of death” (Proverbs 14:12). The proverb tells of the self-centered person bent toward his or her own demise. In contrast, the writer of Proverbs also wrote, “In the way of justice there is life, and in its pathway there is no death” (Proverbs 12:28). Here the proverb tells of the principled person who does right as a way of life. This individual becomes something living, energetic and fulfilling in his or her relationships. We see this principle at work, and its counter part, in the relationships around us—in family life, the work place, and international relations. Where just and selfless cooperation exists, there is peace and prosperity. And, where self-centered polarization exists, there is war and stagnation of purpose.

The beauty of submission is illuminated in the complementary roles of a husband and wife as told in the Bible, specifically in Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church. There, before wives and husbands are called to submit to each other (Ephesians 5:21, 22 and 25 respectively), both are called to, “Be imitators of God (see Ephesians 5:1).” The word imitator comes from the Greek word, mimetes. Perhaps you can hear our English word, mimic, in the Greek word. It means as its English word suggests, to model after God or be like God. The character of God to be modeled, is expressed in the next statement, “Be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us” (Ephesians 5:1-2). This imitation of love is in the likeness of Christ as a sacrificial love that seeks no gain for itself, but rather expends itself completely for the good of another. This is the noble quality of love at its best.

As a husband and a wife independently give themselves in sacrificial love to the other, the result is, not two independent people seeking their own just due, but rather two complements, sacrificing, serving, and loving. And, an energetic life-giving principle is set in motion.

In her best selling book, Let Me Be a Woman, Elisabeth Elliot affirmed this principle,

In the intimacy of marriage you offer yourself, continually and gladly. When you give yourself to your husband you are actually giving him life. You are putting meaning into his life that was not there before and willy-nilly (this is one of the most astonishing and beautiful of the inescapable facts), you find meaning in your own life because of this sacrifice. Your husband, loving you “as Christ loved the church,” that is, laying down his life for you, gives you life and puts meaning into his own. An inexorable spiritual principle is set in motion. It is not the laying down that occupies your thoughts, it is the joy. Christ, when He endured the Cross, knew the joy that was set before Him (Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be a Woman: Love Means a Cross [Tyndale, 1976], 182-83).

It takes two to make the principle of submission work. Only a mature marriage will have such an ability. But what is involved in that ability? At the beginning of this post it was said that “submission retains its noble image when it is: initiated from individual freedom, guided by common values, considerate of another’s good, and is offered from a heart of sacrificial love.” In these we have the mature abilities that give the act of submission its noble character. These will be developed in the posts to follow.

Wisdom Workouts:

• Read this post with another and discuss the question: How is the ‘pursuit of happiness’ best pursued? What are your thoughts on the reciprocal statement, “…he seeks his happiness in hers…she seeks his happiness in his,” keeping the above post in mind? What individual attitudes would derail, or make ineffective, the beauty of the reciprocal thought above?
• Test the principle. For the next week, set your personal needs aside. And, deliberately look for opportunities to meet the needs of others, according to the natural level of intimacy that is appropriate to the relationship—a friend, a stranger, a coworker, a parent, sibling or a mate—for not every relationship calls for the same expression of love. Practice impartiality and justice toward all, especially those who are not easily loved. At the end of the week, reflect upon your experience—your attitude, level of fulfillment, sense of affirmation and security—and your positive influence on those you showed good toward, no matter how small.
• What kind of character qualities do you believe are necessary in order for two individuals to make submission work in a marriage? Name at least three.
• What areas would you desire to strengthen, in your character, in order to better love that one right and worthy person?
• What character qualities would you expect, even demand in another, before you would enter into engagement for a lifelong marriage? Or, what would you say to your sister, brother, sibling or friend, about the kind of person he or she should look for, before marriage?
  

It's a Farmer's Life

A farmer plows his field, sows the seed and cultivates the soil—all the while knowing that unless he diligently pursues his responsibilities he cannot expect a harvest at the season’s end. The Bible says, “In all labor there is profit” (Proverbs 14:23). The wisdom of this proverb is readily apparent in the presence of any marriage. Where an intimate unity prevails, hard work will certainly be its accounting. The negative application is equally true, without labor, there is no profit. The athlete spends endless hours preparing for one competition. The pianist spends years preparing to be a professional performer. But when it comes to preparing for the one relationship that will insure a satisfying quality of family life; determine the emotional, educational, and physical well-being of our children; and extend social stability to our future generations, little effort is given to what profits most.

Good marriages do not just happen. They are the product of diligent work over a sustained period of time. The hardworking farmer knew that the quality of his crop would be directly related to his faithful labor; he merely reaped in time what he sowed in the moment. The prescription is a sure one. Fail to prepare for your marriage and your harvest will be meager. Give wise and faithful attention to your marriage and your harvest will be full—in all labor there is profit! But when should that work begin?

It is natural to think that the work of marriage preparation begins at engagement. But by engagement, preparation for marriage must be your ready maturity, not your initial consideration.

When that right man asks you for a lifelong commitment, or when you respond affirmatively to his request, what should each of you be saying?

He should be saying: I am settled in your love. I desire to spend my life with you, working together to become all we can be together. I willfully choose to separate myself from all other women and set my affections completely and only upon you—will you be my wife and follow me.

You should be saying: I trust you. I having confidence in your impartial love, especially toward me—I can entrust my life to you, with confidence and without fear. Such a commitment presupposes proven trust. No, preparation must start before engagement.

Perhaps then, within a serious dating relationship is where preparation for marriage begins. Certainly it should. But let’s think about that. Before a man should consider a serious relationship, or before a woman should respond to a man in such a relationship, there must be some settled maturity in each. Both must be emotionally mature and personally secure. The emotionally immature and personally insecure individual, tends to be overly needy and unhealthily controlling. Such an individual is death to a relationship. On the other hand, the emotionally mature and secure individual, tends to give life to a relationship. No, ideally, even dating demands some prior preparation.

The work of marriage preparation is not so much about a time as it is about a character; a principled character ever growing in the pursuit of love. It is about the pursuit of love, principled in its action, sacrificial in its nature, and giving it its spirit, that preserves a love for a lifetime. And when that love is pursued by commitment and acceptance, affection and compatibility become the satisfying result. This is the great challenge before you. This is ‘the farmer’s’ work.

The following posts will set before you the principles of preparation that will ready you, and set you forward on your journey. And, as strange as it may seem to our modern culture, it all starts with that “S” word—submission; principled submission to the best interest of the other.

Wisdom Workouts:

• What are your thoughts about ‘marriage preparation’ as a lifelong pursuit of love, rather than a series of lessons that aim for a wedding date?
  
• How would you describe your strengths and weaknesses as they relate to your readiness for marriage? Consider such tendencies as being ‘overly needy’ or ‘unintentionally controlling’ – we all have them at times – what can you do to strengthen your weak areas and build on your strong areas?
  
• Consider character qualities of love, sacrifice, selflessness, and principled integrity that you admire in another. How do these character qualities result in an attractive person?
  

The Quest

On occasion I receive a letter like the one before you. When I do, I feel honored. I feel honored that someone would trust me enough to seek my advice on marriage preparation; the most important pursuit of life. Such trust commands my deepest desire to give reasonable and responsible advice.

The posts before you, and the ones to come, are the sum of that advice. By committing my advice to print, I crystallize my thoughts, thus allowing you the opportunity to consider them and make informed decisions for your marriage. I trust you will find much in the following posts that will challenge your thinking and serve your pursuit of love for a lifetime.

Dear Tom,
I am a Piano Performance major. I love my music. One day I hope to perform in a professional capacity. There is a longing in my heart, however, that goes deeper than piano performance. One day, I long to be married and have a family. I know there are no guarantees that I will be either a piano performer or get married. Yet, I hold in my heart the words of David, “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” So, my question is: How can I prepare now for a lifelong marriage then?

It starts with the farmer. “The farmer,” you say?