Marriage in the Making: 2009

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Lifestyle Prepared for People

We tend to order our world in a way that fits our comforts—a couple buys a boat, joins a country club, and remodels a room as an entertainment center. Such choices tell something about the way a couple desires to live life. Another couple chooses to redesign the outdoor patio with a larger table capacity, buy a larger freezer to keep prepared meals on hand, and remodel and furnish a guestroom with a private bath. Such choices also tell something about the way a couple desires to live life. This later couple is arranging their life for people. Here are some prosperous thoughts for all, but especially for the couple starting out.

Make your home an inviting place with more than a rubber mat at the front door that says, Welcome. Ask yourself, is my home a place of refuge where the broken can find a warm embrace and a glad reception? Share your family. The benefits will come back tenfold in the sense of the proverb that reads, The generous soul will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered (Proverbs 11:25). Your immediate family will remember the laughter and intimate times with friends. These are investments that will surely yield their profits.

The home is a natural place to show true Christianity to the world in your reach. But there is a home to prepare before the house we live in. That is, my heart, Christ’s home. Paul tells of the furnishings of such a home of heart:

Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation, devoted to prayer, contributing to the needs of the saints, practicing hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.
Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:9-21).

A prepared heart and a prepared home are the good environments that will surely make for a glad life.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Widen Your Tent

As I look back on more than a quarter century of being married with family, I often think about profitable investments that could have been. I am not thinking of Google or Yahoo, but something greater—good relationships that stretch wide and far bringing stability and joy to those we love most. The Greek philosopher Euripides wrote long ago, “It is a good thing to be rich, it is a good thing to be strong, but it is a better thing to be beloved of many friends.”A good quality of life is not found in the measure of ones net-worth, but in the measure of ones love-worth. I pray that your home would be peppered with people, rather than your investments popping with profit. Here is the better investment for the young and ambitious: Enlarge the place of your tent.I borrowed that phrase from Isaiah who spoke to Israel during the time of her youthful smallness. Isaiah instructed Israel to prepare her present home for a future grace; to expand her foundations for a future fullness. Thus Isaiah wrote, “Enlarge the place of your tent; stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, spare not; lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left. And your descendants will possess nations and will resettle the desolate cities” (Isaiah 54:2-3). Isaiah was a wise forecaster, preparing Israel in the delight of future profit. You too must take Isaiah’s words to heart. I have something to say about that.I am thinking about a series of posts. I started to complete this post by giving you five indispensable ‘widening’ strategies you can’t afford to neglect. But, as I started to develop each, I realized that I was writing on not one, but five individual posts. So, lest I labor you with more material than you want in one sitting, I will give them to you a bite at a time. This is the sum of them all:

First

Prepare your lifestyle for people

Second

Prepare your heart for giving

Third

Prepare your mind for loyalty

Fourth

Prepare your environment with discretion

Fifth

Prepare your home for hospitality

So, this is where we will go in the weeks to come. You will just need to remember the theme and developing support in these five.

Thoughtful Dialogue with Your Comments...

Sandra (7/9): I am planning to get married and I have not heard these things before. I am thankful and look forward to your next Monday post.

Tom: Thank you for reading them. Please let me know places where I need to be more clear and practical.
Dionne (7/10): Hi Pastor Tom! Thanks again for continuing this series. So true, and many times so hard to put into practice. It´s hard to set aside the selfishness and control issues to think of the other person first. But also so worth it!! Definitely a wonderful growing experience.
Tom: Don’t I know how hard. LouAnn can tell you better—or worse! When it comes to being a pilgrim in progress, It seems like I don’t give a lot of visible movement to the “progress” part. It is so good to hear from you. I will write a proper email very soon. We think of you often in the sincere reality of Philippians 1:8.
Oraletta (7/15): Tom, the acceptance & commitment principle really works when we submit our will to that of God's will. I've tried it and it is the right way for any marriage. Is it legal to copy your blog? I would love to have it on file. Oraletta
Tom: Thank you Oraletta. I like the qualifier, "... when we submit our will to that of God's will." That's the living principle like in 1 Peter 2:23. Now, Is it "legal" to copy my blog? Of course! If there is anything worthy to copy, it probably is not mine in the first place. I am proud to be a scavanger. And you know how I quote you all the time. We ride the shoulders of those who walk before us.
Dionne (7/23): Hooray for Anne with an e! :) I would argue that not only is this the way to prepare for marriage, but it is also the way to pursue happiness within marriage: to seek to be the wife (or husband) God calls us to be. Our natural tendency is to seek to receive from the other what we think will make us happy, but the more we focus on our wants and ¨needs¨, rather than on serving the other, the more dissatisfied and unhappy we are.

Tom: I knew you especially would like Anne. In fact, I can’t think of her without thinking of you. And, needless to say, you came to mind, more than once, as I reflected upon the movie. I genuinely appreciate your insights—crystal clear and full of common sense. The victims, the unfairly treated, the neglected—seen, not from the eye of justice, but from the eye of oneself—tend to live with a face of misery and unhappiness. It seems to me that one can’t be thankful and discontent at the same time.

Carrie (7/24): I like your point about how others are not the solution to my problem. Some recommended reading on this topic is Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. The book discusses reliance upon God to help us solve our problems instead of burdening others with the impossible. Good post!

Tom: I added Beth’s book to my list of recommended books below. She comes with a credible and well received reputation. Your pointer to her book is a pointer to a fuller treatment of the contrast between solutions that satisfy, and solutions that do not. I have heard that her book gives meaning to the verse: “The joy of the Lord is my strength.”

Carrie (7/24): I just read the post "Irresistible Attractiveness," and I found it to be very helpful. A lot of people spend so much time in relationships trying to make all these changes so that they can gain the approval of the other, when really they do just need to be the right person. It made sense, was very straight-forward, and I think anyone reading would most certainly get the point and nod in agreement no matter what their background (well, anyone rational anyways...).

I do have a suggestion for a future topic of discussion. A wise and eccentric member of the Brown family once commented to me that "It seems like girls are always trying to change guys and make them into who they want them to be instead of loving them for who they are." One of the greatest lessons one can learn from a failed relationship is that there are certain standards one cannot sacrifice (or settle on), and there is no point in taking on a "project." Trying to make someone the person you want them to be is a just a bad idea. Reading about being the right person instead of looking for the right person brought this observation to mind...so if you're ever in need of a topic, I think this is a good one =)

Tom: The above are great thoughts. They stand helpfully on their own. Others will relate. And I love the “topic” suggestion. My mind has gone to work on that—thank you. I am thinking of something along the line that follows from the idea of: learning to be an influence on others for them; not needing to change others for us. The former ‘influencer’ flows positively from people who are secure before God and in themselves, and therefore not prone to personal neediness or possessive control.
Josie (8/27): I've been enjoying your posts - but I think you probably meant in the middle of Aug 13 that "marriage is to be held in honor above all" rather than "in horror"! --Josie

Tom: Oh Josie! That is so funny! You truly have an eye for editing. I will pay you big bucks to be my editor. You are truly a benefactor. Thank you so much. We definitely want to hold marriage in honor, not horror. Although, some may not agree! That just shows the work before us. I am still smiling. And you are in our prayers! Thank you so much!
Megan Ault (9/3): Thank you for this. This is perfect for a friend of mine. I forwarded this link to her.

Tom: Megan, I really appreciate your heart concern for your friend. I wanted to send you an email but somehow lost your address. And, my computer seems to have developed amnesia. Would you send it again? And, on your comment, the thought occurred to me that unity is a skillful task in any relationship and the way to it is through humility. When two are given to humility, unity is possible. And apart from humility, there can be no unity. That’s because humility always denies self for the other. When self-assertion takes over, unity becomes a mere fairytale of imagination. Thanks for your response Meg.
Tim (9/10): quite a man--we sure could use more like him

Tom: It seems like the day when men universally tended to show strength of leadership and humility is such a day gone by. That’s the image I get from Tibbits. I wish I could find the biography that was being talked about on the radio show. He was a captivating figure. He was not a sensation by his charisma, but by his willingness to do the next thing well, whatever that next thing was. It seemed like, in his mind, there was no greater sense of importance between being the general and being the grandfather. He brought the same energy and excellence to every responsibility, in every phase of life. And congratulations to you! You are the first guy to make a comment. And like a guy, all in 10 words or less.

Dionne (9/17): Very true. At the same time, for those of us who have a hard time making decisions the progressive nature of love makes it hard to determine if that moment for marriage has indeed arrived. Are we really making a well thought out and God honoring decision? Are there things we haven’t considered yet? And what about all those things that we won’t know completely until after we’re married? I guess it comes down to knowing that things won’t always be easy, but having a common commitment with the other to always seek God’s will... and then trusting God to sustain us in that endeavor. The huge advantage of taking time and pursuing love is that even though difficult times will come in marriage, there are no regrets. We’ve made a commitment in love before God, and there is peace and security and joy in that commitment. And all those circumstances God brings into our lives will only serve to strengthen us for Him.
Tom: I think I am on your thoughts. But please tell me if I am missing it. A good conversation at Starbucks would be so much better. But here we are, you in Columbia, and me in Cleveland. And to think that I am suggesting a coffee shop to you—how arrogant! After all, I think you people down there invented the stuff, right? Well not exactly but close. I like your thoughts! And here are mine in response: “Are we really making a well thought out and God honoring decision?” I am not sure we can -- if by "God honoring" we mean in the likeness of His mind -- or that we should even be taking on the pressure of that high aim. Perhaps the better aim is to make wise decisions under God’s loving guidance and care. I suppose when we do, we are in a way making “God-honoring" decisions. Decisions will always be before us within every relationship; life is not an exact science, certainly not in the ever changing relationships we know. We need wisdom, not only in the moment of decision for the unseen events ahead, but also when those unseen events become the “surprises” we never anticipated. Life is full of uncertainty. What matters again is wisdom in the walk--the Psalm 23 kind of walk. And that wisdom happens best within a principled community where love and acceptance are sure. The Bible says things like, “Where no counsel is, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). I like that it says “safety” because that seems to imply security within unsafe and uncharted territory. That means a “yes” answer to the thought: “are there things we haven’t considered yet?” Always! Just ask LouAnn if she got what she never considered? Surprise! She got me. Too bad, she’s stuck. It's time for wisdom to deal well with me. But where do we go from here? For all the unsure decisions ahead, and all the surprising decisions in the moment, it seems like we need to set our minds and hearts toward the doing of Psalms 37:1-11 and praying in the direction of Philippians 1:9-11. It is about wisdom again. And, pursuing love, not marriage seems like a wise way to think in the big picture—not a foolproof way to a blissful marriage. That relationship is just not realistic in my opinion.

Marriage in the Making

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A Lifestyle Prepared for People

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Widen Your Tent

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Tom Brown

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