by Tom Brown
The thought occurred to me that there are two kinds of
players in a relationship. Either one is a life-giver or a life-taker. Nature uses the terms symbiotic and parasitic to picture these
two players.
The effect of a parasite is well known. A parasite selfishly
feeds on its host and gives nothing in return. Some parasites have such an
insatiable appetite that it sucks life until only a dead carcass remains. Kind
of a morbid thought, isn’t it?
Parasites are common in relationships. Some are not fatally
dangerous. They merely nag at a relationship stealing its dynamic vitality. Relataional parasites come in many selfish forms—little manipulations that move things my way,
being overtly sullen when things don’t go my way, being overbearing so it all
goes my way, being passive in the exercise of my responsibilities, or taking responsibility
that belongs to another. The list is huge. We all mimic this kind of drain, from
time to time but the healthy person is willing to face himself or herself and grow out of those nagging expressions of selfishness. That is a mark
of maturity. Those who are willing to listen to others, face themselves, and grow
from his or her weaknesses, bear the mark of relational competence.
But then there are the terminal parasites. They are not relationally
competent. They insidiously hide under the guise of love, subversively confusing
their host, all the while working decay unto death. They are stealthy
deceivers, even to themselves. Who are they? They are the overly needy and
obsessive controllers.
Have you ever tried to ‘make work’ a relationship with a controlling person? Have you ever tried
to love someone consumed with his or her own needs? If you have, then you know what I mean. If you have not,
then you only need to pick up a news paper and read about the latest case of
domestic violence or turn on the television and watch an episode of “CSI” or
“Law and Order” to get an idea of the overbearing controller or the
self-absorbed needy at their worse.
For several years my wife and I have had contact with high school and college students. Relational matters are the most common challenges among students. A familiar scenario
often goes something like this:
I’m having trouble with a
relationship.
What kind of trouble?
It’s my boyfriend … He tells me that he needs
me and can’t live without me. I want to be there for him but I can’t seem to
please him, no matter what I do. He gets really upset if I am not available to
him. Sometimes he gets so mad that he hits me.
Why do you
stay with him?
I don’t know. I just do. He says he cares for me. I know I am the problem. I provoke him to anger.
You are the problem? Why is that?
I don’t give him the attention he needs. He doesn’t like any of my friends. He says they are a bad influence on me. He gets upset if I don’t dress the way he likes. He calls me constantly. He tells me that he does these things because he loves me.
"He loves you,” you say? I don’t think so. He loves himself. He is not capable of loving anyone. He is self-absorbed. What should I do? I am afraid to leave him. He told me that he would harm himself if I left him.
The dialogue is a bit embellished, but not unusual. This is
where my advice becomes direct. I call it my “dump” policy. It goes like this. If
you are in a relationship with a needy person, get out. If you are in a
relationship with a controlling person, get out. Don’t try to fix the person,
just get out. And then stay away. Better yet, don’t get involved in the first
place. Now, so you don’t think I am totally insensitive, let me explain.
When need or control consumes an individual, that individual
can’t love for love looks out for the interest of the other first. Such an
individual can only see his or her own desires. Others become the means to meeting
those desires. You may have experienced one of these two players. Both are takers
and both are consumed for their own self-gratification. At the root is morbid
insecurity and an insatiable appetite for self-gratification. The most loving
thing one can do is let the relationship go. I am assuming that the
relationship is not a marriage for that would require a different response than
the one I am giving. But prior to marriage, letting the other go is the right
move. Why? Because his or her need can’t be met by you or any person; the first
principle to learn for a healthy relationship is that others are not the
solution to our problems.
There is a solution, but it is not others—only if I were
married, that would solve all my problem; only if we had children, that would
solve all my problem, only if, only if, only if… No, something else is your
solution. But that something else begins with the awareness that we will choke
the life out of a relationship if we impose upon another the responsibility of
being the solution to our problems. I will expand on the principle.
Notice in stating the principle that I changed pronouns from
the ‘third person’ to the ‘first person’. Rather than thinking, first, about ‘those’
needy and controlling people, we first need to embrace the principle personally.
Thus the principle needs to be personally
embraced: Others are not the solution to my
problems. To personally embrace this principle will grant freedom in two ways. First,
it will mentally release you from the bondage of dependency upon another.
Second, it releases the other from the bondage of having to measure up to your
expectations. In other words, it puts you in charge, rather than another. Two
scenarios may help illustrate the helpfulness of this principle.
Imagine being in a relationship with someone who looks to
you as the solution to their problem; the other believing that marriage will
solve all their insecurities and bring the happiness they have longed for. When
you meet their need, the other is happy, but when you don’t, the other falls
into a state of depressed disappointment. How would that relationship make you
feel? Pressured? You might not measure up. Controlled? You might slip up. And
add to that, periods of pouting, silent withdrawal, outbursts of anger,
manipulative behavior, and the like. What would be the atmosphere surrounding
that relationship?
Or, imagine being in a relationship with a person who lives
with possessive insecurity and clingy neediness. The person smothers you,
clings to you and lives in constant need of your affirmation. He or she dotes on
you and gravels to your every whim. At first all the attention seems
flattering. But what happens to such a relationship in time?
There is a natural tendency of human nature. I remember it
being described in the statement: “We crave what we can’t have; and disrespect
what we can’t get out of.” You know how that works in the dating scene. Girls
play hard to get and guys show indifference. Why? Because they know this
natural tendency in humanity.
In a more mature response to this tendency, principled
integrity, self-respect, courageous action, outward generosity, and selective
accountability work to create and keep an attractive person. These qualities
need to be guarded and cultivated in all relationship, through all of life.
Consider and embrace the commitment: Others are not the
solution to my problem. Free others by giving them room to fail without fear of
reprisal. Free yourself from the bondage of dependency on another for your happiness.
That place is found in the virtues of principled integrity, self-respect,
courageous action, outward generosity, and selective accountability. These are
the inner character qualities that, by God’s design, give a sense of well-being
and make for an attractive person.
Wisdom workouts:
Considering the principle: Others are not the solution to my
problem, can you think of one way you have been given to the negative side of
the statement? How did it affect the relationship? Consider the same questions
from the positive side of the statement.
Considering the natural tendency that, “we crave what we
can’t have; and disrespect what we can’t get out of,” can you think of at least
two ways—one positive and one negative—on how that statement has evidenced
itself in your past relationships?
