It's not unusual for a couple to find a bit of hesitancy in their hearts as they approach their wedding day. After all, marriage is just the most important decision a couple will ever make in life! But when that hesitancy becomes overwhelming, it may be wise to step back and consider the readiness of the relationship for marriage.
But that is asking a lot. It takes an unusually mature couple to do that. Most couples would see such a consideration as a step toward relational break-up. So, rather than face the issues, they suppress them and plow through the wedding day. But what often follows is a very rough go at their early years of marriage; a rough go that may have been avoided had they thought bigger than the wedding day.
Courtship is like baking a cake. There is a proper amount of time in which the cake must bake. And, there is a proper time to take the cake out of the oven. If you hurry the process, what do you have? You have a flat cake! But if you go with the process, you get a plump and sweet cake ready for a wedding. Love must be the goal, not marriage. What’s the difference?
Love is a life-long pursuit. Marriage is merely something to collect along the way in that pursuit. When love is the pursuit, a couple is more concerned for the growing health of a relationship over a lifetime. But when marriage is the pursuit, only the wedding day is the concern. Somehow, the couple thinks that that day will secure love for a life-time. It won't.
The wedding date is one event in the life-long pursuit of love. It is a very significant event, but still only one piece of the greater picture. To take the time to let a relationship mature, like a cake in the oven, is a great act of love. In the bigger picture, love will know a greater joy with far less detours and rough roads when the actual wedding date is put in its proper place.
Wisdom Workouts:
There are endless examples to illustrate the dynamic nature of the pursuit of love as the goal in marriage. But what about you? The following chart may serve as a kind of thermometer to test weather love, or marriage, is your goal. It is important to keep in mind that your self-evaluation is not dependent on having one, three, or even five of the following tendencies in either chart. It is about the general picture. Are you dominant in one or the other? It is the big picture that may tell the story.
But that is asking a lot. It takes an unusually mature couple to do that. Most couples would see such a consideration as a step toward relational break-up. So, rather than face the issues, they suppress them and plow through the wedding day. But what often follows is a very rough go at their early years of marriage; a rough go that may have been avoided had they thought bigger than the wedding day.
Courtship is like baking a cake. There is a proper amount of time in which the cake must bake. And, there is a proper time to take the cake out of the oven. If you hurry the process, what do you have? You have a flat cake! But if you go with the process, you get a plump and sweet cake ready for a wedding. Love must be the goal, not marriage. What’s the difference?
Love is a life-long pursuit. Marriage is merely something to collect along the way in that pursuit. When love is the pursuit, a couple is more concerned for the growing health of a relationship over a lifetime. But when marriage is the pursuit, only the wedding day is the concern. Somehow, the couple thinks that that day will secure love for a life-time. It won't.
The wedding date is one event in the life-long pursuit of love. It is a very significant event, but still only one piece of the greater picture. To take the time to let a relationship mature, like a cake in the oven, is a great act of love. In the bigger picture, love will know a greater joy with far less detours and rough roads when the actual wedding date is put in its proper place.
Wisdom Workouts:
There are endless examples to illustrate the dynamic nature of the pursuit of love as the goal in marriage. But what about you? The following chart may serve as a kind of thermometer to test weather love, or marriage, is your goal. It is important to keep in mind that your self-evaluation is not dependent on having one, three, or even five of the following tendencies in either chart. It is about the general picture. Are you dominant in one or the other? It is the big picture that may tell the story.
WHEN MARRIAGE IS THE GOAL
You try to meet up to expectations
You are a fault finder
You put up a front
You manipulate
You tend toward hurrying action
You make marriage plans without wise counsel
You see only your need
You feel unsure in the relationship
You fear of losing the relationship
You are partner-centered only
You withdraw from others
You are jealous and possessive
You need to rush to marry
You feel marriage is a solution
You want what is expedient
You are emotionally driven
You are self-absorbed
You are selfishly sensual
You tend to seek to be alone
You have a shallow romance
WHEN LOVE IS THE GOAL
You feel free to be yourself
You accept faults
You are transparent
You communicate without fear
You are content to prove the relationship in time
You seek wise counsel before making marriage plans
You see the other’s need first
You are secure in the relationship
You have no fear but feel free
You are other-centered with your partner
You engage with others
You feel safe and secure
You have all the time do grow
You take personal responsibility for growth
You want what is best
Your relationship is based on commitment
You consider others
Your emotions are under control
You share your time with others
You withdraw from others
You are jealous and possessive
You need to rush to marry
You feel marriage is a solution
You want what is expedient
You are emotionally driven
You are self-absorbed
You are selfishly sensual
You tend to seek to be alone
You have a shallow romance
WHEN LOVE IS THE GOAL
You feel free to be yourself
You accept faults
You are transparent
You communicate without fear
You are content to prove the relationship in time
You seek wise counsel before making marriage plans
You see the other’s need first
You are secure in the relationship
You have no fear but feel free
You are other-centered with your partner
You engage with others
You feel safe and secure
You have all the time do grow
You take personal responsibility for growth
You want what is best
Your relationship is based on commitment
You consider others
Your emotions are under control
You share your time with others
When marriage is the goal, all that remains is to walk that aisle. Once accomplished, the goal is attained. But when love is the goal, a couple enters into a life-long adventure that is never fully realized. What a joy to think our love will be stronger at eighty than at the wedding day.
3 comments:
Very true. At the same time, for those of us who have a hard time making decisions the progressive nature of love makes it hard to determine if that moment for marriage has indeed arrived. Are we really making a well thought out and God honoring decision? Are there things we haven´t considered yet? And what about all those things that we won´t know completely until after we´re married? I guess it comes down to knowing that things won´t always be easy, but having a common commitment with the other to always seek God´s will..and then trusting God to sustain us in that endeavor. The huge advantage of taking time and pursuing love is that even though difficult times will come in marriage, there are no regrets. We´ve made a commitment in love before God, and there is peace and security and joy in that commitment. And all those circumstances God brings into our lives will only serve to strengthen us for Him.
Dionne
Hi Pastor Tom! How I would love a chat at Starbucks!! Or even better with you and LouAnn at your kitchen table...or at our dining room table...or :) But it´s wonderful to have this technology to be able to discuss to some extent, at least. I think Philippians 1:9-11 expresses very well what I meant by ¨God-honoring¨ decisions. We will never know God´s mind fully, but He does promise us wisdom to make decisions that will please Him, when we ask Him for them. As for marriage being ¨blissful¨, I think you´re right, that´s not realistic. For me ¨blissful¨ implies being oblivious to negative or hard things. I do believe that marriage can and should be ¨joyful¨, in the biblical sense of joy..peace and contentment in the midst of any type of circumstances. I love the quote in LouAnn´s signature about happiness not being about having what we want, but rather being content with what we have.
Dionne
not too shabby pops :) i like it a lot. i never thought about the subject quite like this. i think in the places that i have heard messages on that relationship (my school mostly) the goal is marriage and that is what most of the girls and a lot more guys than i expected are striving towards. I like the other option better, a lot less pressure.
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