My wife’s greater family are dairy farmers in Minnesota. One summer we spent a week with them. I spent a good part of the week working in the fields doing haying. It was satisfying. I also received quite an education on a farmer’s life. I learned that farmers are quite wealthy. The bad news is that their wealth is tied up in capital—land, farm equipment, silos, livestock and the like. A farmer’s actual income is meager. And not only that but farmers are bound to the task at hand—cows need milking twice a day, feed needs distributing, livestock needs tending. That’s life for a farmer. My wife’s uncle Del told me that on his wedding day he milked the cows in the morning, got married in the afternoon, milked the cows after the wedding, and then went to his reception in the evening. He told me that he took a vacation once in his life, and that only after his kids were grown and able to assume the daily responsibilities of the farm. It seemed like an undesirable kind of life to me. But that’s only because I don’t love farming. If I did, the daily tasks would be the joy that served my greater love.
I asked my wife’s uncle Del, “Would you do it again?”
He paused for a moment and said, “If I had it to do over, I would do exactly as I have done.”
That was hard for a city boy like me to understand. I then asked the ultimate question: “Why?”
The response came back quickly, “Farming isn’t just an occupation, it’s a way of life; it’s the life I know and it is the only life I want to know—it’s my life.”
My wife’s uncle was defined by purpose. His sense of purpose made the tasks of daily living his delight. There is a big difference between seeing a job as an end in itself, and loving a job because it serves a greater end. There is also a big difference between seeing marriage as an end in itself, and loving in marriage for a greater end. We call that "greater end" purpose.
Purpose gives life meaning. To have a sense of purpose, and share it with another, gives greater meaning to marriage. A couple needs a sense of purpose in order to sustain marriage for a lifetime. Feelings of love won’t do it. There must be something more. There must be a common purpose; something greater than oneself to live for. When a couple has that sense of purpose, they have a reason to love; a reason for their love.
I like hearing those stories about couples who are inseparably intertwined as one. Then, in the course of time, one passes before the other. But even though inseparably linked, the one left behind doesn’t recoil into a silent death, but continues in the purpose they shared together. It is as though the love of the one lives on in the other. That can only be because there is something bigger than life in our 70, 80 or 90 years of existence.
Following a couple’s request to be joined in marriage, I schedule an appointment with them. I have many questions I feel will help shape their destiny together. One of the first questions I ask is: “Why do you want to get married?” You would not believe some of the answers I have received over the years. “He is so adorable.” “She is the only woman who would put up with me.” “He is the kindest man I ever met.” “I could not live without him.” “She is everything to me.” I have also received more thoughtful answers too like: “We share a common faith.” “He is a responsible provider.” “We complement each other.” As good as these answers are, they still miss the better mark. A better answer is: Because we serve a purpose greater than ourselves and better together than we do apart. But what is that purpose? Is it of noble and true worth? Those are the questions that need to be defined by a couple. But defined they must be. What are yours together with your mate?
Wisdom Workouts:
I asked my wife’s uncle Del, “Would you do it again?”
He paused for a moment and said, “If I had it to do over, I would do exactly as I have done.”
That was hard for a city boy like me to understand. I then asked the ultimate question: “Why?”
The response came back quickly, “Farming isn’t just an occupation, it’s a way of life; it’s the life I know and it is the only life I want to know—it’s my life.”
My wife’s uncle was defined by purpose. His sense of purpose made the tasks of daily living his delight. There is a big difference between seeing a job as an end in itself, and loving a job because it serves a greater end. There is also a big difference between seeing marriage as an end in itself, and loving in marriage for a greater end. We call that "greater end" purpose.
Purpose gives life meaning. To have a sense of purpose, and share it with another, gives greater meaning to marriage. A couple needs a sense of purpose in order to sustain marriage for a lifetime. Feelings of love won’t do it. There must be something more. There must be a common purpose; something greater than oneself to live for. When a couple has that sense of purpose, they have a reason to love; a reason for their love.
I like hearing those stories about couples who are inseparably intertwined as one. Then, in the course of time, one passes before the other. But even though inseparably linked, the one left behind doesn’t recoil into a silent death, but continues in the purpose they shared together. It is as though the love of the one lives on in the other. That can only be because there is something bigger than life in our 70, 80 or 90 years of existence.
Following a couple’s request to be joined in marriage, I schedule an appointment with them. I have many questions I feel will help shape their destiny together. One of the first questions I ask is: “Why do you want to get married?” You would not believe some of the answers I have received over the years. “He is so adorable.” “She is the only woman who would put up with me.” “He is the kindest man I ever met.” “I could not live without him.” “She is everything to me.” I have also received more thoughtful answers too like: “We share a common faith.” “He is a responsible provider.” “We complement each other.” As good as these answers are, they still miss the better mark. A better answer is: Because we serve a purpose greater than ourselves and better together than we do apart. But what is that purpose? Is it of noble and true worth? Those are the questions that need to be defined by a couple. But defined they must be. What are yours together with your mate?
Wisdom Workouts:
- Following the thought, “Purpose gives life meaning,” how would you describe your sense of purpose (reason to be), first, as an individual and then as a couple? In other words, what gives your life meaning?
- Evaluate your response to the above question. How will your sense of purpose carry you through the hard places of life and even beyond, in the ‘hopefully not untimely’ departure of your mate?
- How is your sense of purpose shared with your mate? How does this sense of purpose unite you as a couple? Define you as a couple? Keep you as a couple?
- Imagine some of those hard places of life—unfulfilled expectations, unseen illness, financial difficulty, momentary coldness in your relationship, even death—assuming that you are the principal object of these difficulties, what kind of life would you desire for your mate? In other words, thinking from the motive of love, what life would you desire for your mate?
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