Happy Are the Givers

There is a way of life that promises satisfaction. It is the way of life expressed in the Bible proverb: “The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered.”

There is a wealth of wisdom in that proverb. It tells of the individual who is given to meeting the needs of others. And as a result, the needs of the individual is met.

Don’t get the wrong picture. You may be tempted to say: Of course others will be inclined to you! If I throw a bag of twenty-dollar bills out of a window, certainly others will run to pick them up, and they will love me for throwing them out; as long as I have another bag! It is not that picture. It is about being genuinely, responsibly and principally given to the best interest of another.

You know what that looks like. Most everyone, at some time in their lives, had a teacher who was passionately committed to his or her best interest. Perhaps you felt a certain teacher’s tireless commitment and genuine confidence toward you. If you did, I would be willing to bet that somewhere in that relationship, you became unconditionally endeared to that teacher. What would you do for that teacher now? This is what I am talking about. But that may not be so easy to embrace.

It may be a hard piece of advice to take. If you are one who finds yourself lonely and void of friends, before you blame others and circumstances, you may want to look in the mirror. The problem may be closer than you think. I don’t mean that to be cruel but freeing. If the problem lies with you, you can do something about it. That's freedom. But if it belongs to your circumstances or other people, then you are a prisoner. You can’t change others. You can change yourself. That too is freedom.

One of the great ironies of the Christian message is that: it is in giving that we receive; it is in dying that we live. Isn't that so crazy to the world we live in? That principle, however, is attractive. The giver is a delight; the taker is work. You know how that goes. The one who is characteristically seeking to be a blessing, is a blessing. And the one who is always looking for a blessing, is a drain.

One of the most rewarding aspects of pastoral ministry is working with couples who are looking on to marriage. I truly enjoy that part of my ministry. Perhaps my reasons are not so altruistic. Marriage counseling often involves working with deep problems—unresolved conflict that has festered over time. These problems are difficult to reverse; not impossible but difficult. I like that part of my ministry too. But to work with couples who are eager to love and are uncomplicated by long-standing conflicts, that is pure joy for a teacher.

There are some questions I ask a couple to show what an attractive life feels like. I ask them to consider specific qualities they would desire in a friend or a mate. I usually hear such responses as: honesty, attentiveness, consistency, being non-judgmental, forgiving, loyal, and the like. I then ask the clinching question: “How many of these character qualities demand a giving person?” The test always delivers the desired answer—all of them. The conclusion naturally follows that attractiveness results from being a giver. So, what can you do to be attractive?

Set your affections toward living for the best interest of others. Certainly that doesn’t mean groveling to the whims and wishes of the world. It means being principally given to the real needs of others.

That way of life demands a lot of skill—it is a professional way of life. It demands the skillfulness of the athlete or the musician. That skill is an exciting pursuit once the way of life is set in motion. In that way of life, the need for growing skillfulness will challenge you every day. It is a way of life that opens doors of opportunity to the counselor, the teacher, the coach, the pastor, the husband, the wife, the father, the mother, and the like. There will be no lack for opportunity. Neither will there be the sense of loneliness or the lack of joy among people. This way of life will carry you effectually through all of life—in your marriage, your family life and in your occupation. And, you will be a very happy camper.

Wisdom Workouts:

• It has been said that, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” What makes for an attractive person that appeals to that eye?
  

The Big Picture of Purpose

My wife’s greater family are dairy farmers in Minnesota. One summer we spent a week with them. I spent a good part of the week working in the fields doing haying. It was satisfying. I also received quite an education on a farmer’s life. I learned that farmers are quite wealthy. The bad news is that their wealth is tied up in capital—land, farm equipment, silos, livestock and the like. A farmer’s actual income is meager. And not only that but farmers are bound to the task at hand—cows need milking twice a day, feed needs distributing, livestock needs tending. That’s life for a farmer. My wife’s uncle Del told me that on his wedding day he milked the cows in the morning, got married in the afternoon, milked the cows after the wedding, and then went to his reception in the evening. He told me that he took a vacation once in his life, and that only after his kids were grown and able to assume the daily responsibilities of the farm. It seemed like an undesirable kind of life to me. But that’s only because I don’t love farming. If I did, the daily tasks would be the joy that served my greater love.

I asked my wife’s uncle Del, “Would you do it again?”
He paused for a moment and said, “If I had it to do over, I would do exactly as I have done.”
That was hard for a city boy like me to understand. I then asked the ultimate question: “Why?”
The response came back quickly, “Farming isn’t just an occupation, it’s a way of life; it’s the life I know and it is the only life I want to know—it’s my life.”

My wife’s uncle was defined by purpose. His sense of purpose made the tasks of daily living his delight. There is a big difference between seeing a job as an end in itself, and loving a job because it serves a greater end. There is also a big difference between seeing marriage as an end in itself, and loving in marriage for a greater end. We call that "greater end" purpose.

Purpose gives life meaning. To have a sense of purpose, and share it with another, gives greater meaning to marriage. A couple needs a sense of purpose in order to sustain marriage for a lifetime. Feelings of love won’t do it. There must be something more. There must be a common purpose; something greater than oneself to live for. When a couple has that sense of purpose, they have a reason to love; a reason for their love.

I like hearing those stories about couples who are inseparably intertwined as one. Then, in the course of time, one passes before the other. But even though inseparably linked, the one left behind doesn’t recoil into a silent death, but continues in the purpose they shared together. It is as though the love of the one lives on in the other. That can only be because there is something bigger than life in our 70, 80 or 90 years of existence.

Following a couple’s request to be joined in marriage, I schedule an appointment with them. I have many questions I feel will help shape their destiny together. One of the first questions I ask is: “Why do you want to get married?” You would not believe some of the answers I have received over the years. “He is so adorable.” “She is the only woman who would put up with me.” “He is the kindest man I ever met.” “I could not live without him.” “She is everything to me.” I have also received more thoughtful answers too like: “We share a common faith.” “He is a responsible provider.” “We complement each other.” As good as these answers are, they still miss the better mark. A better answer is: Because we serve a purpose greater than ourselves and better together than we do apart. But what is that purpose? Is it of noble and true worth? Those are the questions that need to be defined by a couple. But defined they must be. What are yours together with your mate?

Wisdom Workouts:

• Following the thought, “Purpose gives life meaning,” how would you describe your sense of purpose (reason to be), first, as an individual and then as a couple? In other words, what gives your life meaning?

• Evaluate your response to the above question. How will your sense of purpose carry you through the hard places of life and even beyond, in the ‘hopefully not untimely’ departure of your mate?

• How is your sense of purpose shared with your mate? How does this sense of purpose unite you as a couple? Define you as a couple? Keep you as a couple?

• Imagine some of those hard places of life—unfulfilled expectations, unseen illness, financial difficulty, momentary coldness in your relationship, even death—assuming that you are the principal object of these difficulties, what kind of life would you desire for your mate? In other words, thinking from the motive of love, what life would you desire for your mate?

Common Sense Loyalty

Loyal commitment goes before intimacy. That is not a statement from yesterday’s values, but a principle of high regard for the honor and love of your spouse. Intimacy is the most valuable gift an individual has to offer. It is the gift of oneself. And like any gift of value, when it is received with casual indifference or demeaning disregard, the giver is wounded. You won't need to think long to find that true.

This post is an appeal for loyal commitment from a different angle. Rather than an appeal from traditional standards, it is an appeal from the worth of your spouse's love and the good pleasure of marriage. Standards are sweet to the embrace when they are shown to serve the interest of the recipient. My aim is not to burden you with guilt, but appeal to your senses for a marriage that satisfies your deepest longings.

How satisfying do you want your marriage to be? How hard are you willing to fight for that satisfaction? Loyal commitment is a worthy fight. The fabric of that fight is described in the next set of virtues on our list: Add… self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, principled living…” (2 Peter 1:6). These are the virtues for a victorious fight. You will need them.

As I flipped through my radio dial I caught the lyrics to a popular song from the late 1960s. The song went like this, “Wouldn’t be nice if we were older, then we wouldn’t have to wait so long … for we could be married!” I couldn’t help but ponder how the idea of waiting is such a yesterday notion. The Beach Boys were certainly no model of virtue, yet their lyrics did tell of the general mindset in a day gone by. The idea of marriage as the prior commitment to intimacy seems so old. Does it matter? It does. The teenage girl said to her mom, “Oh mom, times have changed.” Her mom replied, “Yes they have; but the consequences have not.”

Loyalty has consequences. So does disloyalty. That should not be a surprising idea, even in this day. I think adultery is still called “cheating” and not alternative moments of recreational choices. Try that one on your spouse! And by the way, what would ‘Hollywood’ do for violent plots if there were no such thing as “cheating” where loyalty is expected. No, the consequences have not changed. Broken families, broken lives, dashed dreams, painful divorce, bitter anger, and even violent crimes are all live and well on the stage of disloyalty.

What do we fight for? An attitude first. The Bible makes a claim to that attitude: “Marriage is to be held in honor among all.” That is found in the New Testament book of Hebrews, chapter thirteen and verse four. The word honor means “to value with a price.” No one will fight for what is not valued. If we lose the sense of the value of marriage, we will lose the fight for loyalty. The very wedding day is all about a declaration of lifelong loyalty. But again, I don’t want to make my appeal on the alter of institutional preservation, as noble as that appeal may be. I want to make my appeal on the premise of your satisfying joy and intimacy in marriage.

Contrary to the misunderstanding of many, the Bible boldly exalts the physical relationship of a man and a woman as something beautiful. The Bible is so passionate about that relationship that it strongly warns against predators who threaten the union of marriage, as the verse before us tells: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”

When the author of the book of Hebrews wrote those words, he was defending marriage against a false asceticism which considered the marriage union as degrading and unclean. Writing in opposition to such a view, the author instructed that marriage is to be kept honorable and its honor is never to be defiled by outside sexual violation. Thus, the nature of the warning, 'fornicators' and 'adulterers' God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). This is a warning for the honor of marriage.

Take special note of those two words: “fornication” and “adultery.” What’s the difference? Fornication dishonors marriage in advance, and adultery dishonors marriage after it has been entered into. Fornication or adultery is the defilement of a relationship that belongs to someone else. It makes sense why marriage is to be held in honor among all. Such a community will help serve and preserve the marriage interest of a couple. What a comfortable place to be knowing that others are looking out for a your best interest.

From a personal perspective, throughout your life there will be many people you will come to respect and love as valued friends. There will be only one, however, who will pledge himself or herself to you as a lifelong companion—for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death you part. That one person you will share your life with—in times of plenty and times of want, in times of joy and times of sorrow. With that one person you will perhaps raise your children, build a home, see your grandchildren and grow old together in love. In biblical words, “You will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). What gift will you give your mate? May I suggest the greatest gift—the gift of you in faithful loyalty! For that one person, and that person alone, it is a gift that can be shared again and again until death do you part. So, the words are wise, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.”

Wisdom Workouts:

• Ask your mate: How important do you believe faithfulness is to our marriage?
• Tell your mate: How would I feel if unfaithfulness came into our marriage?
• Discuss with your mate: What can we do to preserve and protect our loyalty?

Security Matters

I had a helpful conversation with a young woman who is looking forward to her wedding very soon. Our conversation centered on matters of personal security; that settled sense of well-being that frees one to love another. Some may not be able to fully relate to the matter of security unless they have known the pain of insecurity. Those who have, know how dark the world can be from being so introspective. It is a kind of self-preoccupation, not the kind that finds boastful pleasure in oneself, but rather the kind that feels the constant sense of inadequacy and unworthiness. It is self-preoccupation just the same. And that amounts to a very lonely world.

Security is important for without it a relationship will be painfully strained for both. Once an individual tastes the delight of being an outward giver, and determines to become one, he or she is immediately confronted by an enemy; that haunting sense selfishness that shackles a person in painful introspection. Oh to be dead to ourselves and alive to others—what freedom is that!

Selfish preoccupation is something endemic to humanity. We all have it—some more, and some less. Most find the condition to be debilitating to finding joy in others. It is not hard to understand why. Where someone is well balanced—not self-centered but self-respecting, not easily provoked but sensibly reflective, not overly introspective but overtly considerate—that person tends to be at peace with his or her world and happy in it. That is a secure person. And to the degree one has that sense of security, is to the degree that one will be empowered to joyfully engage in the lives of others. Likewise, where that sense of security is lacking, is to the degree that one will experience a diminished joy in others and withdrawal unto loneliness.

Security is a tricky thing. It can’t be had for the mere wanting. You can’t buy it at the mall or get it in a classroom. Security is a forged fabric of character. Some may have it because they have grown up under the wings of principled people and relational stability. Others may not have it because life has met them with unprincipled people and relational instability. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting that people are ‘victims’ of fateful circumstances beyond their control. Circumstances are powerful but they merely shape our propensity toward unhelpful ways of thinking and unhelpful ways of living. Those ways of thinking and ways of living are where the battle is won or lost.

The difference is important. We live in a “victim” oriented society. That is a fatalistic world with no way out. That’s because circumstances did it. That kind of thinking makes angry people. When one realizes that it is not ultimately the circumstances that is the problem, but the resultant thinking and living, that puts power back into the hands of the person to see his or her way clear to a new day. Let me digress for a moment on that matter of circumstances. I don’t want to be misunderstood and appear to be indifferent to the heavy things some people carry.

Circumstances are a powerful force, often even an irresistible force in the moment—like the impositions of an unprincipled adult upon a vulnerable child. We could all come up with a list of such imposing circumstances. Many of you carry your own list. But no matter how forceful those circumstances may have been, what happened next is what shaped your character for bad or for good. That happened in your thoughts and choices. To personally own those thoughts and choices is your freedom, no matter how powerfully imposing or horrifically unjust the circumstances surrounding those thoughts and choices may have been. But to give your thoughts and choices away to those circumstances will enslave you to a life of perpetual “recovery” with no recovery in sight. But if bad thoughts and bad choices resulted in unhealthy character, than good thoughts and good choices will result in a renewed and recovered character.

Ownership and responsibility is your first step toward freedom. A good counselor will help a person claim their rights over the thoughts and choices that led him or her down a destructive path; and then enable that person to think differently and live sensibly unto their true freedom.

Secure lives result from at least four patterns: thinking well, associating wisely, loving widely, and resisting willfully. Or, to say it personally, you will enjoy greater security when you order your world around: right thinking, principled friendships, deliberate love, and the courageous refusal to enslave yourself to any master that stands opposed to your moral virtue and ethical values. This leads me to the point of this post and the first part of Peter’s call that I introduced last Monday, and said we would highlight this Monday. That first part reads, “…in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge.” Peter is calling for that “right thinking” based upon right values; values that are here described by the terms: “moral excellence” and “knowledge.” Security begins here.

Of course, it would be impossible to develop all that “moral excellence” and “knowledge” would include. But that is not my intent here. My intent here is merely to say that if love for a lifetime is at all a possible, it is only possible in the presence of two secure individuals who are given to shared values; those values of “truth” that were spoken about in the July 29th post. I would like to leave you with a challenge to consider the four ways of a secure individual above, especially the matter of “moral excellence” and “knowledge.” Set personal goals to strengthen those ways unto a growing security of person.

Wisdom Workouts:

Here are five secure questions to grow by:

• What is the discipline of my worship?
  What does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8)?

• What is the discipline of my values?
  "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the LORD (Jeremiah 9:23-24).

• Where is the discipline of my mind?
  Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things (Philippians 4:8)
  

• What is the discipline of my heart?
  Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others (Philippians 2:3-4).
  

• What is the discipline of my relationships?
  A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24).