The thought occurred to me that there are two kinds of players in a relationship. Either one is a life-giver or a life-taker. In a previous post I used the terms “symbiotic” and “parasitic” to picture those two players. That was the July 2nd post in which the way of the life-giver was developed. In this post, the destructive way of the life-taker is considered.
The effect of a parasite is common knowledge. A parasite selfishly feeds on its host and gives nothing in return. Some parasites have such an insatiable appetite that they suck life until only a dead carcass remains. Kind of a morbid thought, isn’t it?
Relational parasites are common. Most are not fatally dangerous. They merely nag at a relationship, robbing it of its dynamic vitality for a season. They come in many selfish forms—little manipulations that move things my way; being overtly sullen when things don’t go my way; being overbearing so it all goes my way; being passive in the exercise of my responsibilities for fear of failing in my way; or taking responsibilities that belong to another for fear of losing my way. The list is huge. We all mimic this kind of drain, from time to time, in the course of the pursuit of love. The positive side is that we are willing to face ourselves and grow out of those nagging expressions of selfishness. That is a mark of maturity. Those who are willing to listen to others, face themselves, and grow from his or her weaknesses, are relationally competent.
But then there are the terminal parasites. They are not relationally competent. They insidiously hide under the guise of love, subversively confusing their host, all the while working decay unto death. They are stealthy deceivers, even to themselves. Who are they? They are the overly needy and obsessive controllers.
Have you ever tried to ‘make work’ a relationship with a controlling person? Have you ever tried to love someone consumed with his or her own need? If you have, then you know how oppressive such a relationship can be. If you have not, then you only need to pick up a news paper and read about the latest case of domestic violence or turn on the television and watch an episode of “CSI” or “Law and Order” to see the effect of such a relationship in its worse case scenario.
For several years my wife and I had a ministry to college students. Relational matters are the most common issues. A familiar scenario often went something like this:
The effect of a parasite is common knowledge. A parasite selfishly feeds on its host and gives nothing in return. Some parasites have such an insatiable appetite that they suck life until only a dead carcass remains. Kind of a morbid thought, isn’t it?
Relational parasites are common. Most are not fatally dangerous. They merely nag at a relationship, robbing it of its dynamic vitality for a season. They come in many selfish forms—little manipulations that move things my way; being overtly sullen when things don’t go my way; being overbearing so it all goes my way; being passive in the exercise of my responsibilities for fear of failing in my way; or taking responsibilities that belong to another for fear of losing my way. The list is huge. We all mimic this kind of drain, from time to time, in the course of the pursuit of love. The positive side is that we are willing to face ourselves and grow out of those nagging expressions of selfishness. That is a mark of maturity. Those who are willing to listen to others, face themselves, and grow from his or her weaknesses, are relationally competent.
But then there are the terminal parasites. They are not relationally competent. They insidiously hide under the guise of love, subversively confusing their host, all the while working decay unto death. They are stealthy deceivers, even to themselves. Who are they? They are the overly needy and obsessive controllers.
Have you ever tried to ‘make work’ a relationship with a controlling person? Have you ever tried to love someone consumed with his or her own need? If you have, then you know how oppressive such a relationship can be. If you have not, then you only need to pick up a news paper and read about the latest case of domestic violence or turn on the television and watch an episode of “CSI” or “Law and Order” to see the effect of such a relationship in its worse case scenario.
For several years my wife and I had a ministry to college students. Relational matters are the most common issues. A familiar scenario often went something like this:
I’m having trouble with a relationship?
What kind of trouble?
It’s my boyfriend…He tells me that he needs me and can’t live without me. I want to be there for him but I can’t seem to please him, no matter what I do. He gets really upset if I am not available to him. Sometimes he gets so mad that he hits me.
Why do you stay with him?
He says he cares for me. I know I am the problem.
You are the problem? Why is that?
I provoke him to anger. I don’t give him the attention he needs. And it's my friends. He says they are a bad influence on me. He gets upset if I don’t dress the way he likes. He calls me constantly. He tells me that he does these things because he cares for me.
“He cares for you,” you say? I don’t think so. He cares for himself. He is not capable of caring for anyone. He is self-absorbed.
What should I do? I am afraid to leave him. He once told me that he would commit suicide if I left him.
The dialogue is a bit embellished, but not unusual. This is where my advice becomes direct. I call it my “dump” policy. It goes like this. If you are in a relationship with a needy person, get out. If you are in a relationship with a controlling person, get out. Don’t try to fix the person, just get out. And then stay away. Better yet, don’t get involved in the first place. Now, so you don’t think I am totally insensitive, let me explain.
When need or control consumes an individual, that individual can’t love for love looks out for the interest of the other. Such an individual can only see his or her own desires. Others become the means to meeting those desires. You may have experienced one of these individuals. Both are takers and both are consumed with their own self-gratification. At the root of their interest is a morbid insecurity and an insatiable appetite for self-gratification. The most loving thing one can do is let the relationship go. I am assuming that the relationship is not a marriage for that would require a different response than the one I am giving. But prior to marriage, letting the other go is the right move. Why? Because his or her need can’t be met in you; not in the way that person is thinking about you. You are not a solution. That leads me to a principle of great importance. It is the singular point of this post. I will state it and then explain it.
The principle is simply stated: Others are not the solution to my problem. There is a solution, but it is not others in this distorted way—only if I were married, that would solve my problem; only if we had children, that would solve my problem, only if, only if, only if… No, something else is your solution. But that something else begins with the awareness that we will choke the life out of a relationship if we impose upon another the responsibility of being the solution to our problem. I will expand on the principle.
Notice in stating the principle that I changed pronouns from the ‘third person’ to the ‘first person’. Rather than thinking, first, about ‘those’ needy and controlling people, we first need to embrace the principle personally. Thus the principle is stated: Others are not the solution to my problem. It is a principle we all need to live by. To personally embrace this principle will grant freedom in two ways. First, it will mentally release you from the bondage of dependency upon another. Second, it releases the other from the bondage of having to measure up to your expectations. Two scenarios may help you relate to the principle.
Imagine being in a relationship with someone who looks to you as the solution to their problem; the other believing that marriage will solve all their insecurities and bring the happiness they have longed for. When you meet their need, the other is happy, but when you don’t, the other falls into a state of depressed disappointment. How would that relationship make you feel? Pressured? You might not measure up. Controlled? You might slip up. And add to that, periods of pouting, silent withdrawal, outbursts of anger, manipulative behavior, and the like. What would be the atmosphere surrounding that relationship?
Or, imagine being in a relationship with a person who lives with possessive insecurity and clingy neediness. The person smothers you, clings to you and lives in constant need of your affirmation. He or she dotes on you and grovels to your every whim. At first all the attention seems flattering. But what happens to such a relationship in time? A sense of disrespect and desire for escape will overcome you. And the very thing the other is striving to keep, is chased away because of their morbid insecurity and lack of self-respect.
There is a natural tendency of human nature. I remember it being described in the practical statement: “We crave what we can’t have; and disrespect what we can’t get out of.” You know how that works in the dating scene. Girls play hard to get and guys show indifference. Why? Because they know this natural tendency in humanity.
In a more mature response to this tendency, principled integrity, self-respect, courageous action, extravagant generosity, and selective accountability work to create and keep an attractive person. These qualities need to be guarded and cultivated in all relationships, through all of life. These will be developed in subsequent posts.
For now, first things first, consider and embrace that: Others are not the solution to my problem. Free others by giving them room to fail and grow, without fear of reprisal. Free yourself from the bondage of dependency on another for your happiness. That place is found in you, through those virtues mentioned above and to be developed in the posts to come; virtues of principled integrity, self-respect, courageous action, extravagant generosity, and selective accountability. These are inner disciplines that, by God’s design, give a sense of well-being and make for a truly attractive person.
Wisdom workouts:
When need or control consumes an individual, that individual can’t love for love looks out for the interest of the other. Such an individual can only see his or her own desires. Others become the means to meeting those desires. You may have experienced one of these individuals. Both are takers and both are consumed with their own self-gratification. At the root of their interest is a morbid insecurity and an insatiable appetite for self-gratification. The most loving thing one can do is let the relationship go. I am assuming that the relationship is not a marriage for that would require a different response than the one I am giving. But prior to marriage, letting the other go is the right move. Why? Because his or her need can’t be met in you; not in the way that person is thinking about you. You are not a solution. That leads me to a principle of great importance. It is the singular point of this post. I will state it and then explain it.
The principle is simply stated: Others are not the solution to my problem. There is a solution, but it is not others in this distorted way—only if I were married, that would solve my problem; only if we had children, that would solve my problem, only if, only if, only if… No, something else is your solution. But that something else begins with the awareness that we will choke the life out of a relationship if we impose upon another the responsibility of being the solution to our problem. I will expand on the principle.
Notice in stating the principle that I changed pronouns from the ‘third person’ to the ‘first person’. Rather than thinking, first, about ‘those’ needy and controlling people, we first need to embrace the principle personally. Thus the principle is stated: Others are not the solution to my problem. It is a principle we all need to live by. To personally embrace this principle will grant freedom in two ways. First, it will mentally release you from the bondage of dependency upon another. Second, it releases the other from the bondage of having to measure up to your expectations. Two scenarios may help you relate to the principle.
Imagine being in a relationship with someone who looks to you as the solution to their problem; the other believing that marriage will solve all their insecurities and bring the happiness they have longed for. When you meet their need, the other is happy, but when you don’t, the other falls into a state of depressed disappointment. How would that relationship make you feel? Pressured? You might not measure up. Controlled? You might slip up. And add to that, periods of pouting, silent withdrawal, outbursts of anger, manipulative behavior, and the like. What would be the atmosphere surrounding that relationship?
Or, imagine being in a relationship with a person who lives with possessive insecurity and clingy neediness. The person smothers you, clings to you and lives in constant need of your affirmation. He or she dotes on you and grovels to your every whim. At first all the attention seems flattering. But what happens to such a relationship in time? A sense of disrespect and desire for escape will overcome you. And the very thing the other is striving to keep, is chased away because of their morbid insecurity and lack of self-respect.
There is a natural tendency of human nature. I remember it being described in the practical statement: “We crave what we can’t have; and disrespect what we can’t get out of.” You know how that works in the dating scene. Girls play hard to get and guys show indifference. Why? Because they know this natural tendency in humanity.
In a more mature response to this tendency, principled integrity, self-respect, courageous action, extravagant generosity, and selective accountability work to create and keep an attractive person. These qualities need to be guarded and cultivated in all relationships, through all of life. These will be developed in subsequent posts.
For now, first things first, consider and embrace that: Others are not the solution to my problem. Free others by giving them room to fail and grow, without fear of reprisal. Free yourself from the bondage of dependency on another for your happiness. That place is found in you, through those virtues mentioned above and to be developed in the posts to come; virtues of principled integrity, self-respect, courageous action, extravagant generosity, and selective accountability. These are inner disciplines that, by God’s design, give a sense of well-being and make for a truly attractive person.
Wisdom workouts:
- Considering the principle: Others are not the solution to my problem, can you think of one way you have been given to the negative side of the statement? How did it affect the relationship? Consider the same questions from the positive side of the statement.
- Considering the natural tendency that, “we crave what we can’t have; and disrespect what we can’t get out of,” can you think of at least two ways—one positive and one negative—on how that statement has evidenced itself in your past relationships?
1 comment:
I like your point about how others are not the solution to my problem. Some recommended reading on this topic is Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. The book discusses reliance upon God to help us solve our problems instead of burdening others with the impossible. Good post!
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