When you enter into marriage, you enter into a noble expression of humanity, no longer living life merely for yourself, but now for another; no longer merely looking to have meaning, but now to give meaning; no longer in pursuit of individual happiness alone, but now living for the happiness of another. To live for someone else is more noble than to live for yourself. But how does that happen? It happens when the the one, willfully purposes to live for the other. Or, as John Ensor said better, “…when he seeks his happiness in hers, and she seeks her happiness in his.” It is a submissive way of life.
Submission is a hard concept to teach. It is hard for two reasons. First, because we are not use to thinking that our personal happiness is somehow found by giving happiness to another. It is odd for us to think that by giving we gain; that by dying we live; or, as the writer of Proverbs practically observed, “The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered” (Proverbs 11:25).
It is hard for a second reason. It is hard because contemporary culture has taught us that submission is something ugly; that the very idea smacks against personal freedom and shackles individual personality. Unprincipled and self-centered people will always distort what is honorable and make it something disgraceful. But the real enemy should be identified. Submission is not the culprit but unprincipled self-centeredness.
Submission, properly understood, is the glad surrender of principled love. It retains its noble image when it is: initiated from individual freedom, guided by common values, considerate of another’s good, and offered from a heart of sacrificial love. Submission, according to this expression is a life-giver. Nature is a good teacher of that.
Some years ago, our family took a vacation at one of the Ohio State Parks. It was the perfect place for a young family. One afternoon we took advantage of a nature walk offered by the park naturalist. While on our walk, the naturalist pointed to a hollowed out log. Within the log were two genetically dissimilar plants, yet each coexisting for the life of the other. Drawing from the natural elements of the log, each plant processed food within itself, making it suitable for the nutritional need of the other. The food that each processed, was not sufficient to sustain its own life, but only the other. The naturalist called the relationship, “symbiotic.”
Symbiosis is the function of two dissimilar organisms coexisting for a mutual benefit. The presence of these two plants together became such a life-giving force that they threatened the entire ecosystem by their rapid proliferation—the naturalists needed to use pesticides to keep the plants from pressing the neighboring plant life into extinction.
Symbiosis differs from another kind of relationship. That relationship is called, parasitic. Unlike being a life-giver, the parasite takes life and gives nothing back. This relationship is self-seeking and leaves only death in its path. The oneness of marriage is beautifully illustrated in symbiosis.
When two individuals submit to one another, the fruit of that relationship is harmony, cooperation, and unity. But when one looks to the other, merely to have his or her own needs met, the fruit of that relationship is disharmony, conflict and fracture. The writer of Proverbs wrote, “There is a way that seems right unto man, but its end is the way of death” (Proverbs 14:12). The proverb tells of the self-centered person bent toward his or her own demise. In contrast, the writer of Proverbs also wrote, “In the way of justice there is life, and in its pathway there is no death” (Proverbs 12:28). Here the proverb tells of the principled person who does right as a way of life. This individual becomes something living, energetic and fulfilling in his or her relationships. We see this principle at work, and its counter part, in the relationships around us—in family life, the work place, and international relations. Where just and selfless cooperation exists, there is peace and prosperity. And, where self-centered polarization exists, there is war and stagnation of purpose.
The beauty of submission is illuminated in the complementary roles of a husband and wife as told in the Bible, specifically in Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church. There, before wives and husbands are called to submit to each other (Ephesians 5:21, 22 and 25 respectively), both are called to, “Be imitators of God (see Ephesians 5:1).” The word imitator comes from the Greek word, mimetes. Perhaps you can hear our English word, mimic, in the Greek word. It means as its English word suggests, to model after God or be like God. The character of God to be modeled, is expressed in the next statement, “Be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us” (Ephesians 5:1-2). This imitation of love is in the likeness of Christ as a sacrificial love that seeks no gain for itself, but rather expends itself completely for the good of another. This is the noble quality of love at its best.
As a husband and a wife independently give themselves in sacrificial love to the other, the result is, not two independent people seeking their own just due, but rather two complements, sacrificing, serving, and loving. And, an energetic life-giving principle is set in motion.
In her best selling book, Let Me Be a Woman, Elisabeth Elliot affirmed this principle,
Submission is a hard concept to teach. It is hard for two reasons. First, because we are not use to thinking that our personal happiness is somehow found by giving happiness to another. It is odd for us to think that by giving we gain; that by dying we live; or, as the writer of Proverbs practically observed, “The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered” (Proverbs 11:25).
It is hard for a second reason. It is hard because contemporary culture has taught us that submission is something ugly; that the very idea smacks against personal freedom and shackles individual personality. Unprincipled and self-centered people will always distort what is honorable and make it something disgraceful. But the real enemy should be identified. Submission is not the culprit but unprincipled self-centeredness.
Submission, properly understood, is the glad surrender of principled love. It retains its noble image when it is: initiated from individual freedom, guided by common values, considerate of another’s good, and offered from a heart of sacrificial love. Submission, according to this expression is a life-giver. Nature is a good teacher of that.
Some years ago, our family took a vacation at one of the Ohio State Parks. It was the perfect place for a young family. One afternoon we took advantage of a nature walk offered by the park naturalist. While on our walk, the naturalist pointed to a hollowed out log. Within the log were two genetically dissimilar plants, yet each coexisting for the life of the other. Drawing from the natural elements of the log, each plant processed food within itself, making it suitable for the nutritional need of the other. The food that each processed, was not sufficient to sustain its own life, but only the other. The naturalist called the relationship, “symbiotic.”
Symbiosis is the function of two dissimilar organisms coexisting for a mutual benefit. The presence of these two plants together became such a life-giving force that they threatened the entire ecosystem by their rapid proliferation—the naturalists needed to use pesticides to keep the plants from pressing the neighboring plant life into extinction.
Symbiosis differs from another kind of relationship. That relationship is called, parasitic. Unlike being a life-giver, the parasite takes life and gives nothing back. This relationship is self-seeking and leaves only death in its path. The oneness of marriage is beautifully illustrated in symbiosis.
When two individuals submit to one another, the fruit of that relationship is harmony, cooperation, and unity. But when one looks to the other, merely to have his or her own needs met, the fruit of that relationship is disharmony, conflict and fracture. The writer of Proverbs wrote, “There is a way that seems right unto man, but its end is the way of death” (Proverbs 14:12). The proverb tells of the self-centered person bent toward his or her own demise. In contrast, the writer of Proverbs also wrote, “In the way of justice there is life, and in its pathway there is no death” (Proverbs 12:28). Here the proverb tells of the principled person who does right as a way of life. This individual becomes something living, energetic and fulfilling in his or her relationships. We see this principle at work, and its counter part, in the relationships around us—in family life, the work place, and international relations. Where just and selfless cooperation exists, there is peace and prosperity. And, where self-centered polarization exists, there is war and stagnation of purpose.
The beauty of submission is illuminated in the complementary roles of a husband and wife as told in the Bible, specifically in Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church. There, before wives and husbands are called to submit to each other (Ephesians 5:21, 22 and 25 respectively), both are called to, “Be imitators of God (see Ephesians 5:1).” The word imitator comes from the Greek word, mimetes. Perhaps you can hear our English word, mimic, in the Greek word. It means as its English word suggests, to model after God or be like God. The character of God to be modeled, is expressed in the next statement, “Be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us” (Ephesians 5:1-2). This imitation of love is in the likeness of Christ as a sacrificial love that seeks no gain for itself, but rather expends itself completely for the good of another. This is the noble quality of love at its best.
As a husband and a wife independently give themselves in sacrificial love to the other, the result is, not two independent people seeking their own just due, but rather two complements, sacrificing, serving, and loving. And, an energetic life-giving principle is set in motion.
In her best selling book, Let Me Be a Woman, Elisabeth Elliot affirmed this principle,
In the intimacy of marriage you offer yourself, continually and gladly. When you give yourself to your husband you are actually giving him life. You are putting meaning into his life that was not there before and willy-nilly (this is one of the most astonishing and beautiful of the inescapable facts), you find meaning in your own life because of this sacrifice. Your husband, loving you “as Christ loved the church,” that is, laying down his life for you, gives you life and puts meaning into his own. An inexorable spiritual principle is set in motion. It is not the laying down that occupies your thoughts, it is the joy. Christ, when He endured the Cross, knew the joy that was set before Him (Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be a Woman: Love Means a Cross [Tyndale, 1976], 182-83).
It takes two to make the principle of submission work. Only a mature marriage will have such an ability. But what is involved in that ability? At the beginning of this post it was said that “submission retains its noble image when it is: initiated from individual freedom, guided by common values, considerate of another’s good, and is offered from a heart of sacrificial love.” In these we have the mature abilities that give the act of submission its noble character. These will be developed in the posts to follow.
Wisdom Workouts:
- Read this post with another and discuss the question: How is the ‘pursuit of happiness’ best pursued? What are your thoughts on the reciprocal statement, “…he seeks his happiness in hers…she seeks his happiness in his,” keeping the above post in mind? What individual attitudes would derail, or make ineffective, the beauty of the reciprocal thought above?
- Test the principle. For the next week, set your personal needs aside. And, deliberately look for opportunities to meet the needs of others, according to the natural level of intimacy that is appropriate to the relationship—a friend, a stranger, a coworker, a parent, sibling or a mate—for not every relationship calls for the same expression of love. Practice impartiality and justice toward all, especially those who are not easily loved. At the end of the week, reflect upon your experience—your attitude, level of fulfillment, sense of affirmation and security—and your positive influence on those you showed good toward, no matter how small.
- What kind of character qualities do you believe are necessary in order for two individuals to make submission work in a marriage? Name at least three.
- What areas would you desire to strengthen, in your character, in order to better love that one right and worthy person?
- What character qualities would you expect, even demand in another, before you would enter into engagement for a lifelong marriage? Or, what would you say to your sister, brother, sibling or friend, about the kind of person he or she should look for, before marriage?
1 comment:
Well written article.
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