The Pursuit of Love

Last Monday’s post was about the act of love toward another. This week, our post is about the loving environment that receives another. Environment has to do with setting. When a farmer plants his seed, he does so within a setting. Soil is a huge part of that setting. Where the soil is favorable, seed tends to yield to its greater potential. And where soil is unfavorable, seed tends to yield something less. The post before you is about the favorable setting from which the act of love yields its greater potential. I will say it personally.

A favorable setting is about your attitude toward your spouse, not when love is overflowing and bubbling over, but when it is unseasonably dry and unfelt. It is about your commitment to grant your spouse your assured presence and your continued faithfulness within a world that offers neither. And, it is about granting your spouse the freedom to fail, the latitude to disappoint you, and even the forbearance to say hurtful and mean words without fear of reprisal or rejection. This is the environment that receives another. I will say it in a principle?

We pursue love by acceptance and commitment. This is the principle. The words “acceptance” and “commitment” are carefully selected. Now, don’t stumble over those words by letting your mind travel to extreme cases of abuse. Those do exist, but not for you. That is a subject for another audience and another post. In this post, I am supposing healthy couples; couples who are looking on to marriage with proven maturity and positive delight. I trust that abuse will never come to your door. It won't if you pursue love by acceptance and commitment.

Following last week’s post, I received a thoughtful response in the form of several questions. The questions went something like this: “Isn't such an act of selfless love a bit idealistic? Can anyone of us consistently measure up to such a high standard?”

The act of love is an ideal. The ideal is not intended to be the perfection of our lives, but the direction. Don't get me wrong. To say that it is the "direction" of our lives, does not mean that there is no approximation. It is just to say that the high ideal is something we are growing into with maturity. But to love with indifference to our desires? That is not natural. Nor should it be. The act of love does not deny personal desires, but sacrificially embraces another's over them.

We are a people with real needs that long to be fulfilled. We hold in our hearts the God-given desire to be loved and accepted for who we are, not what we do. These desires left unattended result in mounting pressure, and often unhealthy behavioral consequences. I am not evaluating the right or wrong of those behaviors, just recognizing that they do exist in all of us to a greater or lesser degree. We are all a work in progress. We bring baggage into our relationships. The author, Elisabeth Elliot, in her practical down-to-earth way of saying things told couples looking on to marriage, “You must be realistic; when you marry, you marry a sinner!” Give one another room to grow.

The beauty of marriage is that it purposes, not to leave each other in his or her misery but meet two “sinners” in an environment of acceptance and commitment. It is in this environmental setting where love kicks in and reaches forward to its greater potential. Love meets one another at their need; both in terms of desired longings and awkward leanings. What does acceptance and commitment do? There are endless answers to that question but I have two thoughts in mind to illustrate the power of the pursuit of love by acceptance and commitment.

It enables compatibility

There is a huge misunderstanding among single men and women looking for a mate. The word on the street is that ‘compatibility’ is the key that makes for a lasting relationship. The Internet dating services are built on compatibility profiles. There is a place for considering initial compatibility. But true compatibility is something you have at 90, not 29. Compatibility is a growing process that ought to continue through the wedding date, and on into the winter of life. By the time two are hilariously racing wheelchairs together at the age of 103, is the time compatibility will be known. Compatibility happens in the lifelong pursuit of love through all the highs and lows of life. The good environment that gives way to growing compatibility is acceptance and commitment. The alternative is rejection and condition. In that there is no forging of love, but rather the never ending relational game of leapfrog that moves from one shallow relationship to another, leaving only emotional disruption in its path.

It is also a common response of well intentioned men and women to say something like, “I am going to wait till I am financially established and comfortably settled before I get married. That’s silly! There certainly is a measure of maturity and responsibility that should be achieved before you marry. But don’t you want to go through the rough roads, as well as the smooth roads, with your spouse? There is a great proverb in the Old Testament that says, “Two are better than one for they have good returns for their labor. For if either of them falls the other will lift up his companion. But wow to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone. And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strains is not easily torn apart” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Oneness happens in the trenches of life. It is in the good times and hard times that two lives are forged together. Older married couples will tell you that their most forging years happened when they walked together through the hard places of life. And they will say that it was there that acceptance and commitment demanded their attention far more than in the good times of life. Acceptance and commitment is the setting where love grows into an inseparable fabric through all the varied seasons of life.

It cultivates affection

In the wedding ceremonies I have conducted, the vows that express this willful commitment and unfailing acceptance. The wedding vows, repeated by both the bride and groom, go something like this:

Mark, do you take Sarah to be your loving wife, promise before God and these witnesses to love, honor, protect her, and provide for her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs? This promise cannot be dependent upon your feelings but upon your will, therefore, do you commit yourself to Sarah now and for each moment of every day?

Feelings are not good guides, they are trailers. Good feelings follow principled commitments. Our mind keeps us steady to our course. When acceptance and commitment are woven into the fabric of our marriages, time will secure a greater affection. And, in the same sense, when that loyal commitment and assured acceptance is defrauded, maligned or violated, emotions diminish. That is why immoral conduct is so destructive. Such behavior shows a divided loyalty and indicates a demeaned sense worth toward another. And when that immoral conduct takes place in the secrecy of the mind or actions, affections diminish and your spouse is defrauded. Trust is a very fragile thing. It takes a lifetime to build and a moment to lose. But when acceptance and commitment become the proven integrity of a marriage, love flourishes in growing affection.

To unconditionally accept someone else, in all their strengths and weaknesses is a powerful and attractive expression of love. Consider yourself on the receiving end of such love. Have you ever been? How would such love make you feel? I would think that such love would build in you a greater sense of security; perhaps even dispel many latent fears. I would also think that such love would produce an internal desire to return love in the same measure.

The writer of Proverbs wrote of that love saying, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). This beautiful picture is only found where character has melted away natural selfishness into sacrificial love. It takes such a character to loves at “all times,” and be consistent in all circumstances of life. This friend does not change when circumstance change but, in the highest expression of love, remains the same in good times and bad, in times of prosperity and poverty, in times of sickness and health. That’s a powerful force of influence.

Wisdom Workouts

• As simple as it may seem, memorize the maxim: We pursue love by acceptance and commitment.
  
• Can you identify one or two individuals in whom you have assurance of their love toward you, as well as their full acceptance and unabated commitment? How do those individuals affect your sense of security and confidence? How do you feel toward those individuals in affection? And, in what ways have they influenced you to take on qualities that are characteristic of their lives?
  
• Have you ever had someone take advantage of your friendship; perhaps one that turned on you or betrayed your trust? How does the memory of that relationship affect your confidence toward entering new relationships? What kinds of things would secure your trust? Is there any relationship to acceptance and commitment in them?
  
• Test the principle. Consider a relationship that is important to you—perhaps even one that may be relationally awkward or hard to get along with—and pledge yourself to be principally committed, and influentially accepting. Consider after a significant time the changes that have occurred both in that person and yourself.