How Shall We Live

Now, before I begin this post I will do something I have always been told I must never do—apologize for a presentation I made, or apologize for a presentation I am about to make. I am going to do the later, but only because I want to acknowledge that this post may be a little more “cerebral” than others. The reason for that is not because of its superior intellectual quality, but because of my inability to fully satisfy my appeal. That would require many conversations beyond this post; of which I am always delighted for among friends. So, if one, or two, or several of you are up for that, you must let me know and we will have a wonderful time closing down a coffee shop (Starbucks), or a pizza restaurant (your choice). I would have been a wonderful Frenchman--a pot of fondue, a good bottle of wine, and a conversation until the wee hours of the morning. That's living! In the vacuum of that, this post is about a challenge to think; to think about the importance of truth for growing healthy relationships. Specifically, biblical truth from which this writer writes.

Thinking about truth is not a virtue of the 21st century; feeling is. That is the hard part in all our thinking. We "amused ourselves to death" as Niel Postman wrote. If that is as true for you as it is for me, then I ask you to do three things: cut me some slack, don't be quick to dismiss me, and think for yourself. But above all, think! Thinking is what I want you to do. Thinking with me is what I want to do with you. And thinking like me is only appreciated if you are being true to yourself. We must prize and protect freedom of thought and conscience. The Bible does not compel conformity but calls for consideration; come and see. Does that make sense? With that, I proceed...

In a spirit of cynicism, the first century Roman Procurator Pontius Pilate terminated his interrogation of Jesus with a passing question: “What is truth?” Pilate was belligerently apathetic. Is there such a thing upon which two can agree? Does it matter? If there is no truth upon which two can agree, then there can be no wisdom for wisdom proceeds from the common embrace of truth.

Johnny, don’t smoke cigarettes.
Why not?
Smoking causes lung cancer.
Who says so?
The Surgeon General said so. You can see his warning on every pack of cigarettes and read the studies upon which his warning is given.
That makes sense to me. Okay, I won’t smoke.
Wise choice!

The same is true for relational matters.

Adultery is wrong!
Why is that?
Because it defrauds another’s love by disloyalty; and fraudulent disloyalty breaks down trust; and trust is the basis of all satisfying and secure relationships. You will live a very miserable life if you can’t be trustworthy.
Who says so?
The Bible does. The Bible teaches that time-tested loyalty shows a person trustworthy. And trustworthiness, when accompanied with justice, mercy and love, is both attractive and satisfying.
Is that true for everyone?
Studies have shown the affect of trust in social relationships. Where trust is true, happy and secure relationships generally follow. And, where trust is defrauded or disregarded, unhappy relationships follow.
That makes sense. I will consider the Bible and its effect on social relationships.
Wise choice!

I just did a wedding for a couple last Saturday evening. When I do a wedding, I try to make it personal. In the brief time I had with the couple they revealed a lot about how they think. I was encouraged. At the ceremony, I mentioned that there is every reason to be encouraged about their ability to stand the test of time together. I did not say that tritely, but thoughtfully. I told them why. I told them that in the course of our discussions two things were clear. First, that they both understood the difference between commitment and compatibility. They expressed, without the slightest hesitation, their willingness to be committed to each other and expect compatibility to follow in time. Commitment keeps us steady to our course. Compatibility happens in the forging of two into one over a lifetime of ups and downs, good times and bad times. Second, they also revealed that they had some sense of common values upon which they could be committed. Without shared values, commitment is nothing more than a romantic notion and an empty hope.

What I did not tell them was that they are not out of the woods yet—perhaps they will read this post and will hear it now. In order to realize their promise to love one another for a lifetime, they will need to cultivate an ever growing sense of common values. But from where will true values come? I can’t answer that question for them or you. I am personally settled that the Bible holds the satisfying answers. I believe the Bible meets all people at the point of rational sensibility and relational satisfaction. In other words, the Bible appeals to the mind, emotions and will of mankind, promising delight in its keeping. But that’s my conviction. There is only one practical question that can justify my conviction for you—does it? That is a question that only you can answer. So, whether you believe the Bible as I do, or not, it is a matter within your freedom to consider Pilate's question: "What is truth?" Here is something specific to consider.

In the New Testament, we have two letters that are ‘penned’ by Peter. We call them, “First Peter” and “Second Peter”—clever titles, aren’t they? In Peter’s second letter he writes in the first chapter, “His divine power has granted to us everything we need for life and the living of life through the true knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.” That is merely a statement of provision. It tells the reader that “life” and “the practice of life” is provided in full. It also tells the reader where that life it is found, “…through the knowledge of God.” What's that? Practically, it is that knowledge is the Bible. You may sometimes hear the Bible called, “The Word of God.” That too is just another way of saying “the knowledge of God.” But what is it about that knowledge that appeals, in a satisfying way, to sensible reason and satisfying relationship?

Within the vast “knowledge of God,” the Bible says practical things like, “husbands love your wives…” and, “Wives, respect your husbands...” Upon understanding, those statements prove to be rationally and relationally satisfying. The Bible also calls for common attitudes like, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all.” That too is a satisfying way of thinking from the history of strong societies. The Bible says wise things like, “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up strife.” It doesn’t take long to see the wisdom in that proverb. The Bible speaks of good principles for healthy relationships like: loyalty in marriage, love for neighbors, gentleness when treated unjustly, and the need to understand before being understood. The Bible teaches relational skills like how to forgive, how to do justice, and how to walk humbly. The list is far greater than any one post can manage, actually any one library can manage. My point is merely a challenge to come and see, and embrace and live. Or, as the Old Testament psalmist wrote, “Taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8). Taste and see that the sum of what the Bible teaches is “life.” Taste how robust, full of laughter, formative in character, and sustaining in tribulation this “knowledge of God” is.

Did you see the musical, Fiddler on the Roof? What a charming musical! At one point Tevye sings a song; a toast to life! Can you hear the lyrics, “Drink L’Chaim, to Life, to Life, L’Chaim, L’Chaim, L’Chaim, to Life.” It is toast to the reality of a good life. Even though the moment does not yield the experience of a good life, nevertheless, life is there to be had. Like the farmer who has been granted a farm, rich in soil, with seed ready to plant, having all that is needed to work a crop to its greatest potential, so has life been granted by God. But how is that life lived in its fruitfulness? That leads us to the way of this practical pursuit; the work that embraces this good life.

In writing of that practical pursuit, Peter will use the term, “faith” to talk about the way this life is accessed. You will see it in the text below. This “faith” merely carries the idea of trust, confidence and active belief. We walk by faith; a faith that actively walks in “the knowledge of God”—those good character qualities mentioned above like loyalty, justice, mercy, humility and the like. You may have done that in a small way. For example, the Bible says things like, “Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with on another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things, put on love which is the perfect bond of unity.” This is part of what is called “the knowledge of God.” If you were to consider that list, embracing any one or several of those virtues listed, commit to practicing them as a way of life , in a simple sense you would be walking in that faith. Now, that faith needs something to survive. That faith needs to be fortified or furnished with some strong character qualities. So Peter tells us:

Now...in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted (2 Peter 1:5-9).

These fortified and furnished character qualities are what we will work with for the next few weeks. For now, notice a few general observations. First, these good virtues before you are seven in number. And, thave more to do with skillful disciplines than they do with specific character traits. For example, if I were to tell a baseball player to be honest before the umpire, that would be a specific character trait. But, if I were to tell that same baseball player to be understanding, competitive and fair, that would relate more to his or her discipline or dispositon that will enable the player to triumph as an excellent athlete. Peter has already spoken about the vast game of life. Now, he tells you to master the skills that will enable you to run excellently in the course of that life.

I will work with this passage in the weeks to come. For now, look carefully at the list of skillful disciplines that Peter calls one to add to his or her faith. If you look at each thoughtfully, perhaps you will see that they could be classified into three categories. The three complete the athlete in the pursuit of life. Here they are: The first category has two virtues associated with it—moral excellence and knowledge. These two include all that is involved in your standard of measure, your principles to live by, or the rules of the game by which you play. The second category has three virtues associated with it —self-control, perseverance and godliness. These relate to your inner disciplines, your strength of heart or your ability to internally fight for the win. The final category are two again—brotherly kindness and love. These two relate to your outward living, your work of life toward others, or the outward acts associated with playing of the game of life. Do you see their completeness? You are called to have an objective standard to live by; to have inner strength in order to fight for what is worthy to fight for, and be given to a form of life that makes a difference. This is the discipline that wins. It is the discipline that will enable a newly married couple to stand the test of time and win a love for a lifetime.

Wisdom Workouts:

Discuss with someone several matters of life:

• What do you think about how friendships should or should not be pursued outside of marriage? What do you think about the idea of role relationships of a man and woman in marriage; of children to parents; of a couple among society? What do you think are right ways and harmful ways to raise children?

Discuss these matters with the following questions in the background:

• From what common values am I expressing my thoughts and opinions? Are my thoughts and opinions a matter of preference, or conviction? How hard am I willing to fight for my thoughts? Does the person before me share my thoughts?
• If the person before you is your husband or wife, or person you are engaged to, what commitments will you make together toward a unified sense of purpose in these things—growing in understanding of them and commitment to live by them?

Irresistible Attractivenss

My boys chide me for the movies I like. They like it when I boast in Rambo and glory in The Gladiator. But they cringe when I quote a line from The Dead Poets Society, or worse, when I choke-up while watching Somewhere in Time. Anne of Green Gables is my favorite—sorry boys! At the end of Anne’s journey into adulthood, she comes to an insight of huge significance. In romantic repose, Anne waxes eloquently telling her suitor Gilbert, “I went searching for my ideals outside of myself; what I learned was that it is not what life holds for you that matters, but what you bring to it.” That is a profound piece of wisdom.

Relational satisfaction, personal security and unfading attractiveness, ultimately proceed from the person you are, not from the possibilities that await you. Thus, good days and even long life has much to do with the person you are in the life that you live. "Who is the man who desires life and loves length of days that he may see good" asked the psalmist? "...Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it," wrote Peter finishing the quote. It is up to you. The freedom of joy is within your grasp.

If you are finding some spark of freedom in Anne’s insight, then you will be empowered by the challenge of this post. Here is that challenge: Set your affections on being the right person, not finding the right person.

The challenge calls you to change your mind about the way you pursue meaningful relationships. Rather than looking for greener pastures, hoping for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or living in quiet desperation for that one relationship that you think will make you happy, the challenge before you calls you to action; strive toward a more noble purpose. Strive to become an ever increasing person of influence, a picture of self-respect, a pattern of steadfast stability, and present to the world an attractive and unavoidable image of life That you do by being the right person.

I don’t believe I am telling you anything that you don't already know. You know the power in this pursuit. If I am wrong, you must tell me how. But consider this first... Consider your circle of acquaintances. Among them, who would you consider to be a genuine friend? What is it about that person that secures your satisfaction in their friendship? It would be helpful to crystallize your thoughts in at least three descriptive words. Now, consider the mate you would delight in spending the rest of your life with. Come-on, let that romantic side flow for a moment. In a similar kind of question, what qualities about that person would secure your love? Don’t be academic. And definitely don’t tell me what you think I want to hear.

What did you come up with? I have heard such words and phrases as: honesty, availability, trustworthiness, consistent, non-judgmental, and able to forgive. I have also heard words and phrases like: supportive, standing with me in my weaknesses and unfailing in loyalty, especially when I am unlovable. But consider your own list. How many of your words suppose, even demand, a principled person? That is, one strong in conviction, selflessly considerate, secure in character and socially attractive. I am going to put myself on the line and be willing to guess that the answer is, most, if not all. And if my suspicion is right, then your sense of attractiveness has more to do with who a person is, and not what has been fated to that person. Have you ever really been drawn to a person because of the privileged life they live? I could be wrong. You tell me.

The kind of attractiveness that is bound up in character is what has drawn many in admiration to historic characters of the Bible. It was this attractiveness that accompanied Ruth’s loyal commitment to her desolate mother-in-law, recounted in the first chapter of the book of Ruth. It was this attractiveness that magnified Joseph’s love toward his brothers, unabated by their ingratitude, told in the fiftieth chapter of the book of Genesis. And, it was this attractiveness that showed in the united hearts of Jonathan and David, described in the eighteenth chapter of the book of First Samuel. All these were attractive because of their character, not there possessions or position.

There is an interesting proverb in the Old Testament that reads, “He who loves integrity of heart and whose speech is gracious, the king is his friend” (Proverbs 22:11). This integrity is no external varnish, nor is it the aspiration of the dreamer; it is sincerity, humility, turning from wrong and the courageous pursuit of justice for all. This manner of life is of greater power and influence than all the clever methods of mankind. Integrity of heart sheds such dignity over the whole character, and pours such grace upon the lips that others are drawn in admiration. The influence of this integrity puts the lack of it to shame. And what awaits that person? A sought-after life from those who understand its wisdom! Thus, it will not be the fool who seeks out such a person, but the king as the proverb tells.

Our post this week is introductory. It is also meant to be persuasive. It is meant to introduce and persuade you to affections that relate to being the right person, not finding the right person—in essence, to become a treasure and abandon treasure hunting.

That specific manner of character, however, has not yet been presented. Only that character is the pursuit. That specific manner is next. I will set before you five essential character qualities. These I mentioned in my July 16th post. I will say them again. They are: principled integrity, self-respect, courageous endurance, outward generosity, and selective accountability. I will argue for them, one by one, in my ‘Monday’ posts through the month of August.

Wisdom Workouts:

• Consider the individuals you admire most—historical or personal—what is it about those people that have secured your admiration?
• Be a good sociologist. Reflect upon the people you would consider most fulfilled, stable, secure and attractive. How would you account for their disposition in this regard? Assuming that you may be intimately acquainted with one or two of these individuals, has suffering, loss, hardship, and even tragedy, affected their disposition? Or, has such circumstances, like a black velvet backdrop against the luster of a fine diamond, only brought out more of the beauty of the person?

Destructive Forces that Kill

The thought occurred to me that there are two kinds of players in a relationship. Either one is a life-giver or a life-taker. In a previous post I used the terms “symbiotic” and “parasitic” to picture those two players. That was the July 2nd post in which the way of the life-giver was developed. In this post, the destructive way of the life-taker is considered.

The effect of a parasite is common knowledge. A parasite selfishly feeds on its host and gives nothing in return. Some parasites have such an insatiable appetite that they suck life until only a dead carcass remains. Kind of a morbid thought, isn’t it?

Relational parasites are common. Most are not fatally dangerous. They merely nag at a relationship, robbing it of its dynamic vitality for a season. They come in many selfish forms—little manipulations that move things my way; being overtly sullen when things don’t go my way; being overbearing so it all goes my way; being passive in the exercise of my responsibilities for fear of failing in my way; or taking responsibilities that belong to another for fear of losing my way. The list is huge. We all mimic this kind of drain, from time to time, in the course of the pursuit of love. The positive side is that we are willing to face ourselves and grow out of those nagging expressions of selfishness. That is a mark of maturity. Those who are willing to listen to others, face themselves, and grow from his or her weaknesses, are relationally competent.

But then there are the terminal parasites. They are not relationally competent. They insidiously hide under the guise of love, subversively confusing their host, all the while working decay unto death. They are stealthy deceivers, even to themselves. Who are they? They are the overly needy and obsessive controllers.

Have you ever tried to ‘make work’ a relationship with a controlling person? Have you ever tried to love someone consumed with his or her own need? If you have, then you know how oppressive such a relationship can be. If you have not, then you only need to pick up a news paper and read about the latest case of domestic violence or turn on the television and watch an episode of “CSI” or “Law and Order” to see the effect of such a relationship in its worse case scenario.

For several years my wife and I had a ministry to college students. Relational matters are the most common issues. A familiar scenario often went something like this:

I’m having trouble with a relationship?
What kind of trouble?
It’s my boyfriend…He tells me that he needs me and can’t live without me. I want to be there for him but I can’t seem to please him, no matter what I do. He gets really upset if I am not available to him. Sometimes he gets so mad that he hits me.
Why do you stay with him?
He says he cares for me. I know I am the problem.
You are the problem? Why is that?
I provoke him to anger. I don’t give him the attention he needs. And it's my friends. He says they are a bad influence on me. He gets upset if I don’t dress the way he likes. He calls me constantly. He tells me that he does these things because he cares for me.
“He cares for you,” you say? I don’t think so. He cares for himself. He is not capable of caring for anyone. He is self-absorbed.
What should I do? I am afraid to leave him. He once told me that he would commit suicide if I left him.

The dialogue is a bit embellished, but not unusual. This is where my advice becomes direct. I call it my “dump” policy. It goes like this. If you are in a relationship with a needy person, get out. If you are in a relationship with a controlling person, get out. Don’t try to fix the person, just get out. And then stay away. Better yet, don’t get involved in the first place. Now, so you don’t think I am totally insensitive, let me explain.

When need or control consumes an individual, that individual can’t love for love looks out for the interest of the other. Such an individual can only see his or her own desires. Others become the means to meeting those desires. You may have experienced one of these individuals. Both are takers and both are consumed with their own self-gratification. At the root of their interest is a morbid insecurity and an insatiable appetite for self-gratification. The most loving thing one can do is let the relationship go. I am assuming that the relationship is not a marriage for that would require a different response than the one I am giving. But prior to marriage, letting the other go is the right move. Why? Because his or her need can’t be met in you; not in the way that person is thinking about you. You are not a solution. That leads me to a principle of great importance. It is the singular point of this post. I will state it and then explain it.

The principle is simply stated: Others are not the solution to my problem. There is a solution, but it is not others in this distorted way—only if I were married, that would solve my problem; only if we had children, that would solve my problem, only if, only if, only if… No, something else is your solution. But that something else begins with the awareness that we will choke the life out of a relationship if we impose upon another the responsibility of being the solution to our problem. I will expand on the principle.

Notice in stating the principle that I changed pronouns from the ‘third person’ to the ‘first person’. Rather than thinking, first, about ‘those’ needy and controlling people, we first need to embrace the principle personally. Thus the principle is stated: Others are not the solution to my problem. It is a principle we all need to live by. To personally embrace this principle will grant freedom in two ways. First, it will mentally release you from the bondage of dependency upon another. Second, it releases the other from the bondage of having to measure up to your expectations. Two scenarios may help you relate to the principle.

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who looks to you as the solution to their problem; the other believing that marriage will solve all their insecurities and bring the happiness they have longed for. When you meet their need, the other is happy, but when you don’t, the other falls into a state of depressed disappointment. How would that relationship make you feel? Pressured? You might not measure up. Controlled? You might slip up. And add to that, periods of pouting, silent withdrawal, outbursts of anger, manipulative behavior, and the like. What would be the atmosphere surrounding that relationship?

Or, imagine being in a relationship with a person who lives with possessive insecurity and clingy neediness. The person smothers you, clings to you and lives in constant need of your affirmation. He or she dotes on you and grovels to your every whim. At first all the attention seems flattering. But what happens to such a relationship in time? A sense of disrespect and desire for escape will overcome you. And the very thing the other is striving to keep, is chased away because of their morbid insecurity and lack of self-respect.

There is a natural tendency of human nature. I remember it being described in the practical statement: “We crave what we can’t have; and disrespect what we can’t get out of.” You know how that works in the dating scene. Girls play hard to get and guys show indifference. Why? Because they know this natural tendency in humanity.

In a more mature response to this tendency, principled integrity, self-respect, courageous action, extravagant generosity, and selective accountability work to create and keep an attractive person. These qualities need to be guarded and cultivated in all relationships, through all of life. These will be developed in subsequent posts.

For now, first things first, consider and embrace that: Others are not the solution to my problem. Free others by giving them room to fail and grow, without fear of reprisal. Free yourself from the bondage of dependency on another for your happiness. That place is found in you, through those virtues mentioned above and to be developed in the posts to come; virtues of principled integrity, self-respect, courageous action, extravagant generosity, and selective accountability. These are inner disciplines that, by God’s design, give a sense of well-being and make for a truly attractive person.

Wisdom workouts:

• Considering the principle: Others are not the solution to my problem, can you think of one way you have been given to the negative side of the statement? How did it affect the relationship? Consider the same questions from the positive side of the statement.
  
• Considering the natural tendency that, “we crave what we can’t have; and disrespect what we can’t get out of,” can you think of at least two ways—one positive and one negative—on how that statement has evidenced itself in your past relationships?

The Pursuit of Love

Last Monday’s post was about the act of love toward another. This week, our post is about the loving environment that receives another. Environment has to do with setting. When a farmer plants his seed, he does so within a setting. Soil is a huge part of that setting. Where the soil is favorable, seed tends to yield to its greater potential. And where soil is unfavorable, seed tends to yield something less. The post before you is about the favorable setting from which the act of love yields its greater potential. I will say it personally.

A favorable setting is about your attitude toward your spouse, not when love is overflowing and bubbling over, but when it is unseasonably dry and unfelt. It is about your commitment to grant your spouse your assured presence and your continued faithfulness within a world that offers neither. And, it is about granting your spouse the freedom to fail, the latitude to disappoint you, and even the forbearance to say hurtful and mean words without fear of reprisal or rejection. This is the environment that receives another. I will say it in a principle?

We pursue love by acceptance and commitment. This is the principle. The words “acceptance” and “commitment” are carefully selected. Now, don’t stumble over those words by letting your mind travel to extreme cases of abuse. Those do exist, but not for you. That is a subject for another audience and another post. In this post, I am supposing healthy couples; couples who are looking on to marriage with proven maturity and positive delight. I trust that abuse will never come to your door. It won't if you pursue love by acceptance and commitment.

Following last week’s post, I received a thoughtful response in the form of several questions. The questions went something like this: “Isn't such an act of selfless love a bit idealistic? Can anyone of us consistently measure up to such a high standard?”

The act of love is an ideal. The ideal is not intended to be the perfection of our lives, but the direction. Don't get me wrong. To say that it is the "direction" of our lives, does not mean that there is no approximation. It is just to say that the high ideal is something we are growing into with maturity. But to love with indifference to our desires? That is not natural. Nor should it be. The act of love does not deny personal desires, but sacrificially embraces another's over them.

We are a people with real needs that long to be fulfilled. We hold in our hearts the God-given desire to be loved and accepted for who we are, not what we do. These desires left unattended result in mounting pressure, and often unhealthy behavioral consequences. I am not evaluating the right or wrong of those behaviors, just recognizing that they do exist in all of us to a greater or lesser degree. We are all a work in progress. We bring baggage into our relationships. The author, Elisabeth Elliot, in her practical down-to-earth way of saying things told couples looking on to marriage, “You must be realistic; when you marry, you marry a sinner!” Give one another room to grow.

The beauty of marriage is that it purposes, not to leave each other in his or her misery but meet two “sinners” in an environment of acceptance and commitment. It is in this environmental setting where love kicks in and reaches forward to its greater potential. Love meets one another at their need; both in terms of desired longings and awkward leanings. What does acceptance and commitment do? There are endless answers to that question but I have two thoughts in mind to illustrate the power of the pursuit of love by acceptance and commitment.

It enables compatibility

There is a huge misunderstanding among single men and women looking for a mate. The word on the street is that ‘compatibility’ is the key that makes for a lasting relationship. The Internet dating services are built on compatibility profiles. There is a place for considering initial compatibility. But true compatibility is something you have at 90, not 29. Compatibility is a growing process that ought to continue through the wedding date, and on into the winter of life. By the time two are hilariously racing wheelchairs together at the age of 103, is the time compatibility will be known. Compatibility happens in the lifelong pursuit of love through all the highs and lows of life. The good environment that gives way to growing compatibility is acceptance and commitment. The alternative is rejection and condition. In that there is no forging of love, but rather the never ending relational game of leapfrog that moves from one shallow relationship to another, leaving only emotional disruption in its path.

It is also a common response of well intentioned men and women to say something like, “I am going to wait till I am financially established and comfortably settled before I get married. That’s silly! There certainly is a measure of maturity and responsibility that should be achieved before you marry. But don’t you want to go through the rough roads, as well as the smooth roads, with your spouse? There is a great proverb in the Old Testament that says, “Two are better than one for they have good returns for their labor. For if either of them falls the other will lift up his companion. But wow to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone. And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strains is not easily torn apart” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Oneness happens in the trenches of life. It is in the good times and hard times that two lives are forged together. Older married couples will tell you that their most forging years happened when they walked together through the hard places of life. And they will say that it was there that acceptance and commitment demanded their attention far more than in the good times of life. Acceptance and commitment is the setting where love grows into an inseparable fabric through all the varied seasons of life.

It cultivates affection

In the wedding ceremonies I have conducted, the vows that express this willful commitment and unfailing acceptance. The wedding vows, repeated by both the bride and groom, go something like this:

Mark, do you take Sarah to be your loving wife, promise before God and these witnesses to love, honor, protect her, and provide for her emotional, spiritual, and physical needs? This promise cannot be dependent upon your feelings but upon your will, therefore, do you commit yourself to Sarah now and for each moment of every day?

Feelings are not good guides, they are trailers. Good feelings follow principled commitments. Our mind keeps us steady to our course. When acceptance and commitment are woven into the fabric of our marriages, time will secure a greater affection. And, in the same sense, when that loyal commitment and assured acceptance is defrauded, maligned or violated, emotions diminish. That is why immoral conduct is so destructive. Such behavior shows a divided loyalty and indicates a demeaned sense worth toward another. And when that immoral conduct takes place in the secrecy of the mind or actions, affections diminish and your spouse is defrauded. Trust is a very fragile thing. It takes a lifetime to build and a moment to lose. But when acceptance and commitment become the proven integrity of a marriage, love flourishes in growing affection.

To unconditionally accept someone else, in all their strengths and weaknesses is a powerful and attractive expression of love. Consider yourself on the receiving end of such love. Have you ever been? How would such love make you feel? I would think that such love would build in you a greater sense of security; perhaps even dispel many latent fears. I would also think that such love would produce an internal desire to return love in the same measure.

The writer of Proverbs wrote of that love saying, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). This beautiful picture is only found where character has melted away natural selfishness into sacrificial love. It takes such a character to loves at “all times,” and be consistent in all circumstances of life. This friend does not change when circumstance change but, in the highest expression of love, remains the same in good times and bad, in times of prosperity and poverty, in times of sickness and health. That’s a powerful force of influence.

Wisdom Workouts

• As simple as it may seem, memorize the maxim: We pursue love by acceptance and commitment.
  
• Can you identify one or two individuals in whom you have assurance of their love toward you, as well as their full acceptance and unabated commitment? How do those individuals affect your sense of security and confidence? How do you feel toward those individuals in affection? And, in what ways have they influenced you to take on qualities that are characteristic of their lives?
  
• Have you ever had someone take advantage of your friendship; perhaps one that turned on you or betrayed your trust? How does the memory of that relationship affect your confidence toward entering new relationships? What kinds of things would secure your trust? Is there any relationship to acceptance and commitment in them?
  
• Test the principle. Consider a relationship that is important to you—perhaps even one that may be relationally awkward or hard to get along with—and pledge yourself to be principally committed, and influentially accepting. Consider after a significant time the changes that have occurred both in that person and yourself.

The Act of Love

When you enter into marriage, you enter into a noble expression of humanity, no longer living life merely for yourself, but now for another; no longer merely looking to have meaning, but now to give meaning; no longer in pursuit of individual happiness alone, but now living for the happiness of another. To live for someone else is more noble than to live for yourself. But how does that happen? It happens when the the one, willfully purposes to live for the other. Or, as John Ensor said better, “…when he seeks his happiness in hers, and she seeks her happiness in his.” It is a submissive way of life.

Submission is a hard concept to teach. It is hard for two reasons. First, because we are not use to thinking that our personal happiness is somehow found by giving happiness to another. It is odd for us to think that by giving we gain; that by dying we live; or, as the writer of Proverbs practically observed, “The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered” (Proverbs 11:25).

It is hard for a second reason. It is hard because contemporary culture has taught us that submission is something ugly; that the very idea smacks against personal freedom and shackles individual personality. Unprincipled and self-centered people will always distort what is honorable and make it something disgraceful. But the real enemy should be identified. Submission is not the culprit but unprincipled self-centeredness.

Submission, properly understood, is the glad surrender of principled love. It retains its noble image when it is: initiated from individual freedom, guided by common values, considerate of another’s good, and offered from a heart of sacrificial love. Submission, according to this expression is a life-giver. Nature is a good teacher of that.

Some years ago, our family took a vacation at one of the Ohio State Parks. It was the perfect place for a young family. One afternoon we took advantage of a nature walk offered by the park naturalist. While on our walk, the naturalist pointed to a hollowed out log. Within the log were two genetically dissimilar plants, yet each coexisting for the life of the other. Drawing from the natural elements of the log, each plant processed food within itself, making it suitable for the nutritional need of the other. The food that each processed, was not sufficient to sustain its own life, but only the other. The naturalist called the relationship, “symbiotic.”

Symbiosis is the function of two dissimilar organisms coexisting for a mutual benefit. The presence of these two plants together became such a life-giving force that they threatened the entire ecosystem by their rapid proliferation—the naturalists needed to use pesticides to keep the plants from pressing the neighboring plant life into extinction.

Symbiosis differs from another kind of relationship. That relationship is called, parasitic. Unlike being a life-giver, the parasite takes life and gives nothing back. This relationship is self-seeking and leaves only death in its path. The oneness of marriage is beautifully illustrated in symbiosis.

When two individuals submit to one another, the fruit of that relationship is harmony, cooperation, and unity. But when one looks to the other, merely to have his or her own needs met, the fruit of that relationship is disharmony, conflict and fracture. The writer of Proverbs wrote, “There is a way that seems right unto man, but its end is the way of death” (Proverbs 14:12). The proverb tells of the self-centered person bent toward his or her own demise. In contrast, the writer of Proverbs also wrote, “In the way of justice there is life, and in its pathway there is no death” (Proverbs 12:28). Here the proverb tells of the principled person who does right as a way of life. This individual becomes something living, energetic and fulfilling in his or her relationships. We see this principle at work, and its counter part, in the relationships around us—in family life, the work place, and international relations. Where just and selfless cooperation exists, there is peace and prosperity. And, where self-centered polarization exists, there is war and stagnation of purpose.

The beauty of submission is illuminated in the complementary roles of a husband and wife as told in the Bible, specifically in Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church. There, before wives and husbands are called to submit to each other (Ephesians 5:21, 22 and 25 respectively), both are called to, “Be imitators of God (see Ephesians 5:1).” The word imitator comes from the Greek word, mimetes. Perhaps you can hear our English word, mimic, in the Greek word. It means as its English word suggests, to model after God or be like God. The character of God to be modeled, is expressed in the next statement, “Be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us” (Ephesians 5:1-2). This imitation of love is in the likeness of Christ as a sacrificial love that seeks no gain for itself, but rather expends itself completely for the good of another. This is the noble quality of love at its best.

As a husband and a wife independently give themselves in sacrificial love to the other, the result is, not two independent people seeking their own just due, but rather two complements, sacrificing, serving, and loving. And, an energetic life-giving principle is set in motion.

In her best selling book, Let Me Be a Woman, Elisabeth Elliot affirmed this principle,

In the intimacy of marriage you offer yourself, continually and gladly. When you give yourself to your husband you are actually giving him life. You are putting meaning into his life that was not there before and willy-nilly (this is one of the most astonishing and beautiful of the inescapable facts), you find meaning in your own life because of this sacrifice. Your husband, loving you “as Christ loved the church,” that is, laying down his life for you, gives you life and puts meaning into his own. An inexorable spiritual principle is set in motion. It is not the laying down that occupies your thoughts, it is the joy. Christ, when He endured the Cross, knew the joy that was set before Him (Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be a Woman: Love Means a Cross [Tyndale, 1976], 182-83).

It takes two to make the principle of submission work. Only a mature marriage will have such an ability. But what is involved in that ability? At the beginning of this post it was said that “submission retains its noble image when it is: initiated from individual freedom, guided by common values, considerate of another’s good, and is offered from a heart of sacrificial love.” In these we have the mature abilities that give the act of submission its noble character. These will be developed in the posts to follow.

Wisdom Workouts:

• Read this post with another and discuss the question: How is the ‘pursuit of happiness’ best pursued? What are your thoughts on the reciprocal statement, “…he seeks his happiness in hers…she seeks his happiness in his,” keeping the above post in mind? What individual attitudes would derail, or make ineffective, the beauty of the reciprocal thought above?
• Test the principle. For the next week, set your personal needs aside. And, deliberately look for opportunities to meet the needs of others, according to the natural level of intimacy that is appropriate to the relationship—a friend, a stranger, a coworker, a parent, sibling or a mate—for not every relationship calls for the same expression of love. Practice impartiality and justice toward all, especially those who are not easily loved. At the end of the week, reflect upon your experience—your attitude, level of fulfillment, sense of affirmation and security—and your positive influence on those you showed good toward, no matter how small.
• What kind of character qualities do you believe are necessary in order for two individuals to make submission work in a marriage? Name at least three.
• What areas would you desire to strengthen, in your character, in order to better love that one right and worthy person?
• What character qualities would you expect, even demand in another, before you would enter into engagement for a lifelong marriage? Or, what would you say to your sister, brother, sibling or friend, about the kind of person he or she should look for, before marriage?